A student asked Soen Nakagawa during a meditation retreat, “I am very discouraged. What should I do?”
Soen replied, “Encourage others.”
-Essential Zen, Kazuaki Tanahashi & David Schneider
I’ve been frustrated with my writing lately.
It’s hard to pin down exactly why. The beta readers seem to be liking the novel – people are reading it pretty fast, which I take as a good sign. I’m getting plenty of great constructive criticism, and it’s all fairly surface-level stuff: style, pacing, description, things I can fix without rearranging the plot. I take that as another good sign. I feel like I’m on the home stretch now.
Meanwhile, I’m working on a story for Machine of Death Volume 2, which is all sorts of exciting. It’s really been way too long since I did any major writing outside the novel. Yeah, it’s a struggle, but no more than any other new project. I’m having fun with it.
So what’s the problem?
Here’s what I think the problem is. For a very, very long time, my writing has been almost – but not quite – good enough.
My last novel was not good enough. It got a couple nibbles from agents, including a request for a full manuscript, but it didn’t make it.
My story submission for Machine of Death Volume 1 was not good enough. I got some encouraging feedback from the editors, but it didn’t get me in the book.
I’ve been submitting to flash fiction contests lately – just little things, 100-word micro-stories, and the contests are small and informal, hosted on people’s blogs. I’ve been a finalist plenty of times, but I’ve never won.
None of this stuff should matter. The last novel and the last MoD story were long enough ago that I know my writing has improved since then. I know I can (and am) doing better. And the contests, I mean, that’s small potatoes, that’s one person reading blog comments in their spare time, what does it matter?
Yet I can’t help feeling like I’ve been stuck in a loop lately.
while (true) {
head.hit(brickwall); }
There’s only so many times you can be told your writing is almost – but not quite – good enough, before you start thinking that you, yourself, are almost – but not quite! – good enough. It’s silly, but there it is. I’ve been in this particular loop for years, now. I think (I hope) I’m close to breaking out, but still. Years.
Hell, I’m reading over this blog post right now, thinking I’m not saying this right, there has to be a better way to explain it, why doesn’t this sound good?
Well, regardless.
Maybe you’ve been frustrated lately, too. Maybe the thing you’re working on seems endless, maybe you feel like you’re never going to be good enough and everyone else is better than you and there just isn’t any point.
Here’s what I would say: that feeling, that frustration, is the test. Not just a test but The Test, the thing which separates people who achieve their dreams from people who don’t. It’s normal. It’s part of the process. Banging your head against a brick wall is part of the process. If you’re bleeding, if you’re getting nowhere, that’s good – it means you’re still trying.
Everyone else, all those successful people you’re trying to emulate, they’ve all gone through this too. This is the path. The path leads through the wall. You just have to trust the path.
(Trust the path? What am I, a fortune cookie?)
All right. Now that I’ve dispensed my wisdom, maybe I’ll listen to it too.
What’s new with you guys these days?
Brian D. Buckley 
I definitely know what you’re talking about. I’ve been feeling it a lot lately with my music. I’ve been in a creative slump and haven’t been writing which always leads me to not wanting to play. Songwriting for me is the fuel that flames my music and when that fuel runs out the flame becomes dim. Not trying to sound trite but that’s exactly how it feels to me. So, I’m going to send my positive mojo to you for your writing and you send me some for my music =).
Positive mojo exchange: initiated. 😀
I’ve heard your music and I can personally verify that it is not only Tres Awesome but also The Biggity Bizomb. Your songs rock and so do you. The best way to get over a creative slump is to kick it in the face, or at least that’s what I learned in karate. Don’t stop the songwriting!!
Thanks! I feel like being a songwriting ninja now lol. It would be fun to kick this creative frustration in the face! I have a great mental picture now. Your positive mojo really helped!
And by the way, I had to make myself stop reading the novel so fast because it is can’t put down-able for me. Can’t wait for the book club =)
Woo! Awesome!! Can’t wait to see you.
You know, I was feeling pretty good about myself until I digested your post. It didn’t go down smoothly, I can tell you. Now, I’ve got a case of ego indigestion.
On a separate note, do you know why they call them “beta readers?” I’d love to know. I’d also love to know what happened to the “alpha readers.”
It’s a reference to the software development life cycle. The “beta version” of software is an early version that’s basically usable, but potentially still has major bugs and isn’t ready for a general release. So “beta readers” are analogous to beta testers, who help get the beta version ready for prime time.
More information here.
Thanks for the Wiki. I’m obviously enjoying a brain freeze today, since I’m well aware of beta testers in the software field. Now, the only remaining question is whether the term “alpha reader” is ever applied to guinea pigs reading earlier drafts of a novel?
Logically you are conflating “Good Enough” with “Accepted by Appropriate Authority”.
There are countless stories of the awesomemazing manuscript that was rejected at every turn until it found its way into the public view.
The manuscript was “Good Enough” all along.
Now, obviously, not finding a publisher does not prove the work is “Good Enough” either. But you seem to be trying to solve the problem by “Getting Better” when that may not be what is required.
Could be time to work on your marketing.
(Did you hear screaming when I wrote that? I think I did…)
I’m aware that “good” and “accepted” aren’t the same. Unfortunately, for every manuscript that was rejected endlessly despite its excellence (like Harry Potter) there are a thousand more that are rejected endlessly because they’re crap. As for me, neither my writing nor my marketing has been put to the test yet (for this iteration, anyway). Rest assured I’ll give both my best. (Marketing = query letter, at this stage of the game.)
Really, my current problem isn’t a logical thing. Logically, I know I’m on the right path. I just feel frustrated, and needed to vent. I do appreciate you listening. 🙂
According to Scott McCloud’s fabulous investigations into storytelling in comics:
Frustration = Boredom + Anger
So what I really meant was that if you have a real brick wall on your path it might be a good time try some different approaches. But only you can know if that is breaking discipline or beneficial.
Also I quite like this:
Especially when she challenges the need for artistry to be painful.
Heh, I guess you really do know how I’m feeling in my post today. (Thanks for your comment, btw.) You’re right: it’s The Test, it’s the brick wall (made infamous by Randy Pausch). I’m not giving up, and I’m glad to know I’m not alone.
*Quickly googles Randy Pausch* – oh, the Last Lecture. Is that pretty good? I’ve heard about it but never read/watched it.
But, yeah. Us writers, we gotta stick together. 🙂