Tag Archives: Babyology

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Achievement unlocked: Sitting up!

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Why babies are so small

They haven’t gotten the mushroom yet.

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If babies were cars

  • You have to stop every three hours to fill up the tank, whether you’re driving or not.
  • There’s only one warning light on the dash. It’s blindingly bright and offers no information about what’s wrong. The light comes on approximately ten times a day.
  • The warning light also causes the horn to honk. There is no way to turn off this feature.
  • Your car’s garage is located on the second floor, right next to your bedroom, so that you don’t miss any of those delightful horn honks.
  • You have to change the filter about every three hours.
  • The car flails and wiggles the whole time you’re changing the filter.
  • The car does not come with an owner’s manual. You can buy a third-party manual if you wish; there are about 50,000 to choose from, and they all offer conflicting information.
  • You do not get a choice of color. If the car is an unexpected color, people get very upset.
  • The car does not drive. At all. If you want to take the car somewhere, you must tow it using another vehicle.
  • If you try to trade in the car for another, better functioning model, you will be arrested.

Miscellaneous & sundry: New parent edition

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  • The rumors are true. Evan Buckley came home from the hospital on September 24. He’s now two and a half weeks old. The lack of posts recently may or may not be related.
  • It’s weird. The whole thing still doesn’t quite feel real. Like, there’s definitely a baby and he definitely belongs to Betsy and me, so logically I must be a father. But so far it feels a bit like some bizarrely intense long-term extra credit project. Evan is wonderful and I love him 100%. But my brain just hasn’t quite caught up yet. I keep waiting for someone to say, “Thanks for babysitting! We’ll take him home now.”
  • His onesie says “World’s Most Adorable,” but I know they mass-produce those. It’s like they’re not even trying to hide the lies. Of course, privately I know very well that Evan is the most adorable, but that’s a separate matter.
  • I don’t understand baby reflexes. Crying, which is meant to elicit sympathy and affection, is among the top 25 most annoying sounds in the world. And the more hungry they get, the more likely they are to flail their arms and block your attempts to feed them. I mean, child. I know you’re new and all, but seriously.
  • The facial expressions this baby makes. I can’t even describe them. He’s like a skeptical hippie on an acid trip. It is the absolute cutest thing.
  • I’ve started reading him a book called “Animals,” which is part of the “Baby Touch and Feel” series (which is probably not the best name for a series, but hey). One of the pages has a photo of a baby chimp, with the words “Baby Monkey.” Chimps are apes, not monkeys. Guys, your book is like twenty words long and the pages are cardboard. You really couldn’t be bothered to fact-check?
  • I once took an aptitude test that revealed – and this is true – I am in the bottom 5% of the population in finger dexterity. This has become painfully apparent as I attempt to change diapers and baby clothes. The snaps and zippers and tabs are bad enough in any case, but when they’re attached to a wriggling squirming infant in the dark while I’m on two hours of sleep, it starts to feel vaguely surreal. I’m getting better, though.
  • I actually don’t mind changing diapers that much. I’m also doing okay on the less-sleep-than-normal schedule, although the first few days were rough. The hardest part so far is the fact that it just never stops. Every two to four hours is another feeding, another diaper change, another time he needs some encouragement to fall asleep. There’s no off switch.
  • On the plus side, I love playing with him. I mean, he doesn’t have much conscious muscle control, so “playing” is mostly talking to him and waving his hands around. But still.
  • I got a flu shot the other day, the first time I’ve ever done so. My weird needle phobia causes me to get dizzy/nauseous when I get a vaccine or a blood draw, so I tend to only get what’s absolutely necessary. Well, with a baby in the house, the flu shot suddenly flew into the “necessary” camp. It was just as bad as usual, and definitely the most personal conversation I’ve ever had with a Walgreen’s employee, but hey. We do what we gotta.
  • I love Evan so much.

Ready Player Three

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Baby and mom are doing well.

Current Happenings

  • Betsy and I assembled a sort of hanging/swinging motorized baby rocker device yesterday (evidently I need to brush up on baby tech nomenclature). Packages ordered from our registry are appearing on our front porch with alarming regularity.
  • Betsy now answers the questions “How are you feeling?”, “When are you due?”, and “Boy or girl?” approximately 735 times per day. I have postulated that learning a person’s emotional state by asking how they’re feeling is like learning a quantum particle’s position: The act of measuring changes the status.
  • Baby shower coming up this weekend. Just like in that song: “Hallelujah, it’s raining men babies.”
  • Why do we give plush toy bears to babies? The bear is the baby’s natural predator.
  • Recently ripped the carpet off the front porch. (Yes, there was carpet on our front porch. No, we didn’t put it there, but we did leave it on for about five years longer than we should have.) Now I’m midway through the much more difficult process of scraping off the carpet glue using a de-gooping agent (the technical term).
  • Now that Trump is officially the nominee, I’ve started putting real thought into what I can do to oppose him. I’ve got a small project in the works that I hope to unveil next week. Nothing amazing, but hopefully a start. Not that I’m crazy about Hillary or anything, but I really don’t want to explain to my kids someday how Trump became President and I didn’t do anything to try to stop it.
  • Speaking of which – I don’t have too many nice things to say about Ted Cruz, but his non-endorsement of Trump was pretty great.
  • Star Trek Beyond (coming out tomorrow) is currently at 93% on Rotten Tomatoes, which is about 90% higher than I would have guessed, based on the initial trailer. Always glad to be wrong about things like this.
  • I’m seeing that Batman Killing Joke animated movie on Monday. I don’t have high hopes for that (although I liked the graphic novel), but – as with Star Trek – I would love to be wrong.
  • My Great Bible Read (with Betsy) continues apace. We recently finished Leviticus, which is a truly horrifying book if you take it at all seriously. Leviticus 21:9 has God himself explicitly ordering people to be burned to death. As a Christian, you have two choices: Believe in a God who commands people to be tortured to death, or believe that not everything in the Bible is the word of God. If I were a Christian, I’d go emphatically with the latter.
  • We’re on to Galatians now.
  • The Ohio chapter of the EFA (which I’m the coordinator of) recently had its third meeting. Lots of exciting plans in the works, including some strategies for recruiting new members.
  • I’ve stopped putting the hyphen in “email,” upending a decade of personal tradition. TIMES CHANGE AND WE MUST ALL CHANGE WITH THEM.
  • Yesterday I finished reading Bart D. Ehrman’s book How Jesus Became God. Regardless of your religious beliefs, it’s a fascinating historical study that will open your eyes to all kinds of important but seldom-discussed information about the theological development of the early Church.
  • Still doing a bunch of copyediting for Dragonfly Editorial. I have thought more about hyphens and dashes in the past twelve months than in the rest of my life combined.
  • Congrats to Ben Trube. He knows why.

Binders for Women

I made Betsy a binder for all the pregnancy papers, pamphlets, and forms we’ve accumulated over the past seven months.

binder

She’s so lucky to have me!