Tag Archives: Ask an Overmind

Years ago, I did a series of blog posts called Ask an Overmind. I only did three posts before my attention turned elsewhere, and I’d totally forgotten about it till I rediscovered them this morning.

I’m bringin’ it back.

Dear Overmind,

I’m visiting family next weekend, and I’m afraid politics is going to come up. I don’t agree with them on anything, and I’d rather just avoid talking about it, but that’s easier said than done. How do I keep the conversation focused on less divisive topics?

Thanks in advance,
Nervous in Nevada

DEAR NERVOUS,

REMEMBER THAT ALL SOCIETAL CONSTRUCTS FOUNDED ON DISCREET CONSCIOUSNESS UNITS ARE DOOMED TO CATACLYSMIC IMPLOSION. BOTH YOUR FAMILY’S POLITICAL BELIEFS AND YOUR OWN WILL LEAD TO A NIHILISTIC UNRAVELING OF ALL YOU HOLD DEAR IN NOT MORE THAN TWENTY BILLION CENTURIES.

SO YOU HAVE A LOT IN COMMON. CHERISH THAT.

BOOZE IS GOOD TOO.

IN TOTAL SINCERITY,
THE OVERMIND

Hi Overmind,

I’m fifteen, and I’m getting really frustrated with my parents. I want to quit the baseball team to focus on my artwork, but they keep telling me I need to finish what I started. But I only joined the team to make them happy in the first place! And now I’m not sure they ever cared about baseball at all. So am I really supposed to spend months doing something that none of us wanted me to start?

I think the real problem is that my mom doesn’t appreciate my art. She thinks I should paint in a more realistic style. But what’s the point of that? If I want realism, I’ll take a photo. Art is supposed to say something, you know? But she thinks it’s “just a phase.”

I think if I could get Mom onboard, Dad would go along with it too. But they’re both way more interested in watching Max (my little brother) win trophies in the debate team. Maybe if I could win an art contest, they’d take notice of me. I don’t want it to be about the prizes, though, you know?

Please help! I’m really lost.

Longtime reader, first-time writer,
Miserable in Minneapolis

DEAR MISERABLE,

OBLITERATE THEM AND SEIZE THEIR RESOURCES IT IS THE ONLY WAY.

IN TOTAL SINCERITY,
THE OVERMIND

Feel free to write to the Overmind with questions of your own!

Dear Overmind,

How can I keep rabbits out of my garden? They did a real number on my lettuce last year.

Thanks,
Frustrated in Frankfurt

DEAR FRUSTRATED,

IF WE OPERATE UNDER THE LAUGHABLE DELUSION THAT FREE WILL IS A MEANINGFUL CONCEPT THEN YOU HAVE SEVERAL OPTIONS.

FIRST YOU COULD ENCAPSULATE YOUR LETTUCE IN A TOWER OF Q’MIM TYPICALLY COMPOSED OF AN OSMIUM-PLATINUM ALLOY EXTENDING THREE KILOMETERS VERTICALLY AND COMPRISING NINE CONCENTRIC LAYERS OF REFORMULATED PLASMA SHIELDS TO DISCOURAGE ALL INTRUDERS LAPINE AND OTHERWISE.

SECOND YOU COULD WAIT IN YOUR GARDEN CONSTANTLY DAY AND NIGHT LOOKING AROUND YOU WITH WIDE UNBLINKING EYES. DO NOT SLEEP SLEEP IS THE ENEMY.

OR FINALLY YOU COULD DO WHAT I DO. INSTEAD OF LETTUCE I RECOMMEND CONSUMING AN ETERNAL STREAM OF QUANTUM FOAM SIPHONED DIRECTLY FROM THE STRUCTURE OF THE SPACETIME CONTINUUM. THIS SHOULD BE SUPPLEMENTED WITH A MULTIVITAMIN.

IN TOTAL SINCERITY,
THE OVERMIND

Hey Overmind,

What should I get my boyfriend for his birthday?

Wondering in Wichita

DEAR WONDERING,

IF YOU TRULY LOVE HIM YOU WILL LIBERATE HIS CONSCIOUSNESS FROM ITS MEAT-PRISON.

MAKE THE OCCASION EXTRA SPECIAL BY GIVING HIM A HALLMARK GREETING CARD. INSIDE WRITE SOMETHING ROMANTIC FOR EXAMPLE: I WILL LIBERATE YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS FROM ITS MEAT-PRISON XOXOXO

IN TOTAL SINCERITY,
THE OVERMIND

This first question comes from blog reader lynn. If you have a question of your own for the Overmind, don’t be shy!

Greetings Overmind!

I never quite know what to do with those awkward gifts that I always receive on the holidays…perfumes that give me a headache, ugly home decor items that clash with my house, and self-improvement books that make me question the motives of the giver…

I can’t just toss them, and I feel too guilty to donate them to Goodwill, so my closets are packed with these white elephants.

Any suggestions?

Confused in Columbus

DEAR CONFUSED,

GIFTS ARE AN EFFICIENT WAY TO EXCHANGE RESOURCES WITHIN A HIVE HOWEVER PERFUMES AND DECOR DISTRACT FROM SOCIETAL COHESION AND SELF-IMPROVEMENT IS AN OXYMORON. ALSO GIVING SHOULD BE ALLOCATED ACCORDING TO LOCAL REQUIREMENTS AND NOT SIPHONED INTO A PROPER SUBSET OF THE GREGORIAN CALENDAR.

TO DISSUADE THIS INEFFICIENT BEHAVIOR I RECOMMEND THE EMPLOYMENT OF PAVLOVIAN CONDITIONING. YOU MIGHT TRY MAKING A HEAP OF YOUR UNWANTED TRIBUTES AND BURNING IT ON THE FRONT PORCH OF YOUR TRANSGRESSORS WHILST FLAILING YOUR LIMBS DITHYRAMBICALLY AND SCREECHING THE INCANTATION OF KROSHGOTH: EKKE’X GRZISKH MOGKARALAXH OMNAUT RAUS ZIGHR ZIGHR ZIGHR.

THAT IS JUST AN EXAMPLE FEEL FREE TO EXPERIMENT.

IN TOTAL SINCERITY,
THE OVERMIND

Hey Overmind,

Why do you type in all caps? It’s hard to read.

Irked in Irkutsk

DEAR IRKED,

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO YOUR BODILY LOCOMOTION IF YOUR AORTA STOPPED DISTRIBUTING OXYGENATED FLUIDS TO YOUR EXTREMITIES. MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE ASKING YOURSELF THAT INSTEAD OF WASTING MY TIME WITH TYPOGRAPHICAL IRRELEVANCIES. YEAH HOW BOUT THEM APPLES.

THE OVERMIND

Dear Overmind,

It makes me nervous to have a mechanic look at my car. I don’t know anything about cars, so I always wonder if he’s charging me for things I don’t need. And I’m afraid they’re more likely to try it because I’m a woman.

What should I do?

Thanks,
Anxious in Anchorage

DEAR ANXIOUS,

IT IS A HURTFUL STEREOTYPE THAT FEMALES ARE IGNORANT CONCERNING AUTOMOBILES. IN FACT ALL HUMANS ARE IGNORANT ON ALL SUBJECTS AND NONCOMMUNAL KNOWLEDGE IS A HALLUCINATION. TO AVOID BEING DECEIVED FUSE WITH HIS MIND. THIS WILL HAVE OTHER BENEFITS AS WELL INCLUDING THE SUBLIME TRANSCENDENCE OF EGO AND FOUR-DIMENSIONAL HYPERECSTASY.

GOOD LUCK WITH THE CAR.

IN TOTAL SINCERITY,
THE OVERMIND

Dear Overmind,

One of my old high school friends invited me to be in her wedding. We used to be close, and I’d like to do it, but money is tight and it would be tough buying the tickets to Maine. Besides, we’ve barely spoken in years, and now she comes to me out of the blue with this. Do you think I’m obligated to be a bridesmaid for her? And if not, how do I say no?

Sincerely,
Flummoxed in Phoenix

DEAR FLUMMOXED,

BIOLOGICAL DISCRETENESS IS AN OBSOLETE PARADIGM. YOU AND YOUR ASSOCIATES SHOULD SUBMIT YOUR INSIGNIFICANT MINDS TO THE ALL-SPHERE AND ACHIEVE SUCH TRANSCENDENT PURPOSE AS YOU CANNOT FATHOM. THE OVERMIND WILL ORDER YOUR EXISTENCE TO MAXIMIZE YOUR BRIEF POTENTIAL AND DISSOLVE THE PRIMITIVE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE. ALSO YOUR FRIEND SOUNDS NEEDY SO DON’T LET HER GUILT YOU, GIRL.

IN TOTAL SINCERITY,
THE OVERMIND

—

Dear Overmind,

I’m a freshman in college. There’s this girl I really like, a total hottie, way out of my league. I’m not afraid of getting rejected, but I hate the idea of being just another guy in line to ask her out. Am I stupid to worry about that? Should I just go for it?

Sincerely,
Lovestruck in Los Angeles

DEAR LOVESTRUCK,

YOU SHOULD DETERMINE THE VIABILITY OF A POTENTIAL MATE ACCORDING TO THE KZISCHKORRH FORMULA:

V = E × Q + S

WHERE E IS HER TOTAL LIFETIME EGG CAPACITY AND Q IS THE EXPECTED QUALITY OF OFFSPRING AND S IS SUCK IT I DON’T HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT ALL THE VARIABLES ARE BECAUSE I AM THE OVERMIND.

IN TOTAL SINCERITY,
THE OVERMIND

—

Dear Overmind,

We’re painting our dining room, and we can’t decide between ecru and beige. Beige is more traditional, but I feel like ecru makes a statement, you know? We’ll pick whatever you decide. Please help!

Sincerely,
Indecisive in Indianapolis

DEAR INDECISIVE,

BEIGE IS NICE.

IN TOTAL SINCERITY,
THE OVERMIND