A couple years ago, the Rejectionist hosted a contest to see which of her readers could come up with the coolest query rejection letter. I managed to win first place, which I was very excited about, and I still think it’s one of the best things I’ve ever written. I thought y’all might enjoy seeing it too.
Dear Sir or Madam:
Please don’t be offended. Your query’s horrendous.
We can’t understand why you’d bother to send us
A missive so deeply in need of an edit
we wanted to vomit as soon as we read it.
Its hook was insipid, its grammar revolting,
its font microscopic, its manner insulting,
its lies unconvincing, its structure confusing,
its efforts at comedy less than amusing.
We think that on average the writing is better
in comments on YouTube than inside your letter.
“No matter,” we said to ourselves after retching,
“The novel itself may be perfectly fetching.”
On reading your pages we promptly were greeted
with something a wallaby might have excreted:
a plot so moronic, a premise so weary,
and characters so unrelentingly dreary,
descriptions so lifeless, a setting so boring
that only our nausea kept us from snoring.
In short: if your book was a vaccine for cancer,
its margins inscribed with Life’s Ultimate Answer,
and all other novels on Earth were rejected,
we’re still pretty sure we would not have selected
this terrible, awful, impossibly hated,
unspeakably horrible thing you’ve created.
But thanks for submitting! We hope you’ll consider
alternative ways to get published (like Twitter)!