Forty-Minute Story #4

“You’re angry.”


“I can tell when you’re angry because your nose turns the color of an overripe rutabaga.”


“Well, I think my PR manager should project a calmer presence.”


“Now hold on, don’t tell me. I’m going to try and guess the reason you’re angry.”

“Guess quickly, Nigel, new reasons are arriving.”

“Is it because I didn’t call you on Tuesday?”

“I recite a special prayer of gratitude to Our Savior Jesus Christ every time you fail to call me.”

“Is it because I sometimes experience involuntary, but not entirely unsatisfying, lucid dreams concerning the late Amelia Earhart?”

“What? No. What?”

“Is it because, at approximately 4:00 yesterday afternoon, I convened a press conference to announce that NigelCorp would cease production of integrated processors and convert its factories entirely to the manufacturing of rhinoceros hygiene accessories?”

“You’re getting warmer.”

“Is it because I thereafter led a live Sumatran rhinoceros, emblazoned with the NigelCorp company logo, onto the stage, and serenaded it with my own rendition of Paul Anka’s ‘My Way,’ in violation of federal copyright law, the Washington Convention, and basic human decency?”

“You are now extraordinarily close.”

“Is it because the rhino took a dump on the inside of your Volvo convertible?”

“Five guesses, Nigel. That’s quicker than usual.”

“I try.”

“You don’t.”

“It’s important in these situations to find room in your heart for gratitude concerning the blessings you still retain. Consider the remarkable happenstance that the rhino oriented herself so as to defecate entirely inside your Volvo whilst remaining entirely outside the same. It could have been much worse.”

“Nigel, right now I’m struggling to find room in my heart for oxygenated blood. You know why I’m here.”

“You want an apology?”

“Not in the slightest.”

“You want a new Volvo?”

“You’re getting warmer.”

“You want a new Volvo, and also, eight million dollars?”

“Three guesses that time. I’ll note it in my journal as a new record.”

“I’ll make the arrangements.”

“Thank you.”

“Gratitude is good for the soul, isn’t it?”

“Go to hell, Nigel.”

“I’d rather stay here. See if you can get it delivered.”

“I’ll do what I can.”

6 responses to “Forty-Minute Story #4

  1. This is hilarious. Loved it. πŸ™‚

  2. This reminds me of Bertie Wooster!
    Your blogs are humorous and entertaining πŸ™‚

  3. LOl great story! THanks for posting another forty minute story: I just finished the night angel trilogy and ran out of reading material (Again. Maybe this is why I write: I just can’t get enough blasted stories to last me.) ANyway, thanks!

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