Ask an Overmind!

Dear Overmind,

One of my old high school friends invited me to be in her wedding. We used to be close, and I’d like to do it, but money is tight and it would be tough buying the tickets to Maine. Besides, we’ve barely spoken in years, and now she comes to me out of the blue with this. Do you think I’m obligated to be a bridesmaid for her? And if not, how do I say no?

Sincerely,
Flummoxed in Phoenix

DEAR FLUMMOXED,

BIOLOGICAL DISCRETENESS IS AN OBSOLETE PARADIGM. YOU AND YOUR ASSOCIATES SHOULD SUBMIT YOUR INSIGNIFICANT MINDS TO THE ALL-SPHERE AND ACHIEVE SUCH TRANSCENDENT PURPOSE AS YOU CANNOT FATHOM. THE OVERMIND WILL ORDER YOUR EXISTENCE TO MAXIMIZE YOUR BRIEF POTENTIAL AND DISSOLVE THE PRIMITIVE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE. ALSO YOUR FRIEND SOUNDS NEEDY SO DON’T LET HER GUILT YOU, GIRL.

IN TOTAL SINCERITY,
THE OVERMIND

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Dear Overmind,

I’m a freshman in college. There’s this girl I really like, a total hottie, way out of my league. I’m not afraid of getting rejected, but I hate the idea of being just another guy in line to ask her out. Am I stupid to worry about that? Should I just go for it?

Sincerely,
Lovestruck in Los Angeles

DEAR LOVESTRUCK,

YOU SHOULD DETERMINE THE VIABILITY OF A POTENTIAL MATE ACCORDING TO THE KZISCHKORRH FORMULA:

V = E × Q + S

WHERE E IS HER TOTAL LIFETIME EGG CAPACITY AND Q IS THE EXPECTED QUALITY OF OFFSPRING AND S IS SUCK IT I DON’T HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT ALL THE VARIABLES ARE BECAUSE I AM THE OVERMIND.

IN TOTAL SINCERITY,
THE OVERMIND

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Dear Overmind,

We’re painting our dining room, and we can’t decide between ecru and beige. Beige is more traditional, but I feel like ecru makes a statement, you know? We’ll pick whatever you decide. Please help!

Sincerely,
Indecisive in Indianapolis

DEAR INDECISIVE,

BEIGE IS NICE.

IN TOTAL SINCERITY,
THE OVERMIND