Ask an Overmind

Dear Overmind,

How can I keep rabbits out of my garden? They did a real number on my lettuce last year.

Thanks,
Frustrated in Frankfurt

DEAR FRUSTRATED,

IF WE OPERATE UNDER THE LAUGHABLE DELUSION THAT FREE WILL IS A MEANINGFUL CONCEPT THEN YOU HAVE SEVERAL OPTIONS.

FIRST YOU COULD ENCAPSULATE YOUR LETTUCE IN A TOWER OF Q’MIM TYPICALLY COMPOSED OF AN OSMIUM-PLATINUM ALLOY EXTENDING THREE KILOMETERS VERTICALLY AND COMPRISING NINE CONCENTRIC LAYERS OF REFORMULATED PLASMA SHIELDS TO DISCOURAGE ALL INTRUDERS LAPINE AND OTHERWISE.

SECOND YOU COULD WAIT IN YOUR GARDEN CONSTANTLY DAY AND NIGHT LOOKING AROUND YOU WITH WIDE UNBLINKING EYES. DO NOT SLEEP SLEEP IS THE ENEMY.

OR FINALLY YOU COULD DO WHAT I DO. INSTEAD OF LETTUCE I RECOMMEND CONSUMING AN ETERNAL STREAM OF QUANTUM FOAM SIPHONED DIRECTLY FROM THE STRUCTURE OF THE SPACETIME CONTINUUM. THIS SHOULD BE SUPPLEMENTED WITH A MULTIVITAMIN.

IN TOTAL SINCERITY,
THE OVERMIND

Hey Overmind,

What should I get my boyfriend for his birthday?

Wondering in Wichita

DEAR WONDERING,

IF YOU TRULY LOVE HIM YOU WILL LIBERATE HIS CONSCIOUSNESS FROM ITS MEAT-PRISON.

MAKE THE OCCASION EXTRA SPECIAL BY GIVING HIM A HALLMARK GREETING CARD. INSIDE WRITE SOMETHING ROMANTIC FOR EXAMPLE: I WILL LIBERATE YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS FROM ITS MEAT-PRISON XOXOXO

IN TOTAL SINCERITY,
THE OVERMIND