A package arrived on our front porch, and I’m so confused:
What say you, good readers? Follow instructions? Or cry Havoc! and let slip the dogs of war?
UPDATE: It’s a Swiffer.
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Brian D. Buckley 
When all else fails, fall back upon the techniques of our ancestors: shake it violently to see what the contents sound like.
Okay, let’s see.
I hear a wailing, a gnashing of teeth, and a dread voice like unto many whirlwinds, crying out: LASCIATE OGNE SPERANZA, VOI CH’INTRATE
I’ma open it.