Me: The news is all about sensationalism, splashy headlines, scandals, and gossip. Give me something real. Something that matters.
News: Okay. There are five million Syrian refugees who —
Me: No, that’s horribly depressing and I haven’t even had coffee yet. I mean, it’s important, but — what else do you have?
News: Six months after Hurricane Maria, hundreds of thousands of Puerto Ricans are still without electricity —
Me: Also horribly depressing.
News: Okay … well, we’ve got new tariffs in place, NAFTA’s future is shaky, and healthcare reform is still a huge open question.
Me: And I’m glad you’re covering that stuff but it’s also really complicated and there’s not much I can do about it. What else?
News: Let’s see. We can talk about immigration reform, border security, examine the problem from diverse viewpoints …
Me: I’m tired of hearing about that.
News: Um. Facebook privacy concerns?
Me: Yeah, trusting Facebook with personal data is like telling Lex Luthor to babysit your kid. This is not a shocking revelation. Next.
News: Famous person who died recently?
Me: Didn’t even care about them when they were alive.
News: Endangered elephants in Africa?
News: Science has found a new technique for achieving happiness?
Me: Probably over-extrapolating from one or two little studies.
News: Brand-new album by a lesser-known artist?
News: Trends in fashion?
News: March Madness?
Me: I assume you’re kidding.
News: Well … (deep sigh) White House gossip and stupid Trump tweets?
Okay, I’m exaggerating. But still.