Ask an Overmind!

Dear Overmind,

One of my old high school friends invited me to be in her wedding. We used to be close, and I’d like to do it, but money is tight and it would be tough buying the tickets to Maine. Besides, we’ve barely spoken in years, and now she comes to me out of the blue with this. Do you think I’m obligated to be a bridesmaid for her? And if not, how do I say no?

Sincerely,
Flummoxed in Phoenix

DEAR FLUMMOXED,

BIOLOGICAL DISCRETENESS IS AN OBSOLETE PARADIGM. YOU AND YOUR ASSOCIATES SHOULD SUBMIT YOUR INSIGNIFICANT MINDS TO THE ALL-SPHERE AND ACHIEVE SUCH TRANSCENDENT PURPOSE AS YOU CANNOT FATHOM. THE OVERMIND WILL ORDER YOUR EXISTENCE TO MAXIMIZE YOUR BRIEF POTENTIAL AND DISSOLVE THE PRIMITIVE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE. ALSO YOUR FRIEND SOUNDS NEEDY SO DON’T LET HER GUILT YOU, GIRL.

IN TOTAL SINCERITY,
THE OVERMIND

Dear Overmind,

I’m a freshman in college. There’s this girl I really like, a total hottie, way out of my league. I’m not afraid of getting rejected, but I hate the idea of being just another guy in line to ask her out. Am I stupid to worry about that? Should I just go for it?

Sincerely,
Lovestruck in Los Angeles

DEAR LOVESTRUCK,

YOU SHOULD DETERMINE THE VIABILITY OF A POTENTIAL MATE ACCORDING TO THE KZISCHKORRH FORMULA:

V = E × Q + S

WHERE E IS HER TOTAL LIFETIME EGG CAPACITY AND Q IS THE EXPECTED QUALITY OF OFFSPRING AND S IS SUCK IT I DON’T HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT ALL THE VARIABLES ARE BECAUSE I AM THE OVERMIND.

IN TOTAL SINCERITY,
THE OVERMIND

Dear Overmind,

We’re painting our dining room, and we can’t decide between ecru and beige. Beige is more traditional, but I feel like ecru makes a statement, you know? We’ll pick whatever you decide. Please help!

Sincerely,
Indecisive in Indianapolis

DEAR INDECISIVE,

BEIGE IS NICE.

IN TOTAL SINCERITY,
THE OVERMIND

Forty-Minute Story: A Distant World

Daktor strode into the room like a conqueror, and that’s exactly what she was. She held out her purple, scaly fingers in a gesture of command. It was important to be regal, no matter who she addressed. Even if it was a computer.

“Speak, Voice,” she ordered. “Tell me about these humans. Theirs is a distant world, but General Noth advances in their direction. I hear many conflicting rumors of their kind, and I would know the truth.”

The ship’s computer was a vaguely cylindrical mass of metal and polymer casing, enclosing such strange and mystical circuits as even Daktor dared not imagine. It spoke in a harsh synthetic tone. “Enlightened One, these creatures are no threat to your navy.”

She frowned. “I have heard of their skill. With ships, with technology. They have colonized three of the nearby systems, have they not?”

“It is so, Enlightened One.”

“How do you know they are not a threat?”

“They were a race of toolmakers, Enlightened One. They achieved nuclear fission and interstellar drive early in their history. But they have fallen.”

“Fallen – how? The technology is gone?”

“The tools remain, but the toolmakers have grown weak. They engineered such clever devices that they had no more need of toil, of skill. Pampered by their machines, they ceased to study, and they forgot how to invent new things. A few of the old builder clans remain, but it takes all their effort just to maintain the ancient ways. They do not innovate.”

Daktor smiled. “Like a thousand other worlds. Prey to their own genius. Once I have pushed my borders beyond them, I will teach them new ways. Our ways. The ways of strength.”

“So it will be, Enlightened One.”

Daktor strode out of the room like a conqueror.

A panel in the corner shifted, and two heads poked out of a supply cache, scanning the room. Their faces were not purple or scaly, but soft and smooth. Daktor would have thought they looked weak, had she been there. But Daktor had moved on.

“They bought it,” one said to the other. “Let’s move.”

———-

For those who don’t know, Forty-Minute Stories are a semi-regular feature here. I write each one in (shocker!) forty minutes or less, in the mornings before work. If you liked this one, there are plenty more.

Shtuff

What is “shtuff?” That’s what you get when someone starts saying “shit,” then changes their mind to “stuff” midstream.

As in: “I’m getting too old for this shtuff.”

This word isn’t in any dictionary I know (except Urban), but I hear it a lot in conversation. Maybe someone realized there was a kid nearby, or that a friendly conversation with the boss perhaps shouldn’t be that friendly.

However it happens, it’s a quintessentially human word. In a single awkward syllable, it encapsulates so many aspects of our nature. The unguarded truth, straight from the inner self, hidden at once behind a wall of propriety. The anxiety of how we appear to others. The split-second flexibility to choose a new path when the first one’s barely begun. Something weak and powerful at once.

I realize I’m waxing pretty philosophical for a word that means “poop.”

Yet it’s striking that a word so commonly used in real life rarely appears in art. When you read a book, when you watch TV, characters say “shit” or “stuff,” but not both at once.

Why?

Partly for clarity. New writers are often told that real conversation is too fragmented, too halting and uncertain, to be rendered in narrative. That’s mostly true. Yet I think, especially in writing, you could get across this meaning clearly and succinctly with a construction like “shi – stuff.”

The fact that we rarely see this says something about our art.

As writers, we unconsciously tend toward an idealized version of our world, a place where things make more sense than they really do. As I said, this isn’t all bad, and is partly a courtesy to the reader. But we shouldn’t be afraid to let go of that tendency at times, to embrace the uncertainty, the fuzziness, the anxiety, the strangeness, of genuine human life.

What do you think about that shtuff?

Friday Links

lsd

In 1954, when science was clearly more fun, psychologists gave LSD to an artist and had him draw pictures of a face at various stages of the acid trip. The drawings are cool. The commentary’s even better.

PA

The Penny Arcade guys make a remarkable discovery about this thing you humans call football.

pvp

PvP finds a good reason to get angry. (A guest artist did this strip, so the style’s a little different than normal.)

xkcd

xkcd points out one of the difficulties of working on AI.

smbc

And speaking of artificial intelligence research, SMBC sums up exactly how I feel about the field right now.

Have a stellar weekend. See you Monday!

Aubade

Sun

Familiar cloud-embellished flame
Spills over dark Horizon’s girth
As Nature’s resurrection rocks
The icy cradle of the Earth.
While poets sing, astronomers
Take different music with their notes
And physicists arrange the spheres
To peer at microscopic motes.
The sun, for all her majesty
Abides and reigns, but does not rise;
It falls to microscopic Earth
To turn and meet those burning eyes.

Staring at Rectangles

Rectangles

Every morning, I spend an hour on the computer, writing a blog post and checking e-mail.

Then I go to work for eight hours. Generally, I spend six of those hours at my desk, on the computer.

In the evening, I work on the AI for an hour and a half, and spend at least another half hour writing my journal and doing other little things.

If I’m lucky, I get an hour in there somewhere to read a book, or sometimes watch a little TV.

That’s 10 hours a day. I spend over half my waking life staring at rectangles.

The thing is, I don’t regret it. Work pays the bills. The AI is the project I’m most excited about. I love reading; I’d never give it up. And writing the blog is a way to channel and structure the mess of thoughts bouncing around my head.

I spend most of my time staring at rectangles, and I like it. What the hell? What does that mean? How do I make sense of a fact so utterly bizarre?

Actually, I think I know the answer. It’s like cells in the body. (Stay with me here.)

Lone single-celled organisms, like amoebas, have to survive on their own. They’re responsible for everything: finding food, avoiding danger, navigating obstacles. They have to be, because no other cells are helping them out.

Cells in the human body are different. They’re part of a system, so they don’t have to do everything alone. They specialize. A neuron, for example, doesn’t worry about chasing down nutrients or dodging enemy bacteria. It just does its thing, sending and receiving signals, 24/7. Other cells fill other needs. No single cell has to do everything, and the overall system is vastly more capable than the sum of its parts.

The body is like society, and I’m like a neuron – or a skin cell, or anything else you want to pick. I couldn’t survive in the wild on my own, and I don’t have to, because I’m part of a system. I’ve specialized. I’m good at working in a particular environment, and (judging by the paychecks) society needs that.

Is it weird to spend most of your time looking at rectangles? Of course. But no weirder than anything else.

How much time do you spend rectangle-gazing, and how do you feel about it?

How Smart is a Fruit Fly?

This guy right here? This is Drosophila melanogaster, the common fruit fly. Small, gross, annoying, generally something you want to avoid. So why would I want to get up close and personal with one?

Well, good ol’ D. m. is also a model organism. They’re cheap, easy to care for, reproduce quickly, and genetically simple. Biologists have been studying these guys hardcore for over a century, so they understand them really, really well. Pretty much anything you want to know about a fruit fly, it’s out there somewhere.

That’s especially cool for me as an A.I. researcher. The human brain is – as neuroscientists put it – “really friggin’ complicated.” The fruit fly brain? Not quite so much.

For comparison, a human has about 85 billion neurons in his whole body. Cat, 1 billion. Frog, 16 million. Cockroach, 1 million.

Fruit fly? A measly 100,000 neurons.

Pretty simple, right?

Yet this tiny, almost microscopic brain turns out to be surprisingly sophisticated. Here’s what it looks like, courtesy of the Virtual Fly Brain website (yes, that exists):

brain

You can see it has a definite structure: two optic lobes (connected to the eyes) on the far left and right, two hemispheres in the main body of the brain, smaller structures clearly visible.

What does a fruit fly do with 100,000 neurons?

They can fly, of course, navigating around obstacles and searching for food. They can see, hear, smell, taste, and touch – and make decisions based on all those senses. They’re affected by alcohol in much the same way humans are, and can even become “alcoholic,” seeking more and more of the stuff over time. Remarkably, they can even form long-term memories, learning to seek or avoid arbitrary smells based on laboratory training.

In a nutshell: they’re thinking. They’re not reading Hamlet, they’re not self-aware, and who knows if they have anything like consciousness – but they’re definitely thinking.

With only 100,000 neurons. All of which have been painstakingly studied and analyzed for decades. For someone working on artificial intelligence, that’s pretty flippin’ sweet.

I’ve got some studying to do.

Forty-Minute Story: Field Trip

Although Nishant stood away from the other fourth-graders, staring into space, he listened to Mrs. Carlson more carefully than any of them.

She was calling names.

“Rachel.”

“Here.”

Rachel wasn’t a good name, he thought. Not that he had anything against the girl, though Nishant did wish she’d wash her hands a little more often. Rather, it was the name itself. It didn’t feel right. It didn’t…work.

“Tom.”

“Here!”

Now Tom, that was a good name. So many possibilities. You could add an e and make one of his favorite words, tome, which meant book. Or you could switch the T to an R and create ROM, which was a Super NES game. Or maybe…

He trailed off as he noticed Rachel, like him, wandering a short distance from the group that was clustered around the school bus. With her sticky hands, she tugged at a cone on a short tree that bristled with needle-like leaves. He remembered it was called a fir – a word he had learned in Life Science only yesterday.

Fir. Now there was a word. It practically screamed with possibility.

“Nishant.”

He was vaguely aware of his name being called, but he didn’t care. He was staring at the tree. He could feel it in his mind – the tree itself, and its word. They weren’t separate things. It was all one. Fir.

“Nishant Balan!”

He’d had inklings of this before, but never so strongly. It called to him. It was itching to change.

“Nishant, there you are! Please pay attention. All right. Amy.”

All it would take was one extra letter, one extra vowel, to nudge it into…

With an awful whoosh, the tree mushroomed into a pillar of fire, licking the sky with red and orange. Rachel screamed, staggering back and clutching her face. The scream and the fire set off shouts from all the kids, and Mrs. Carlson came running over. “Rachel, Rachel, are you all right?” The three digits she tapped into her cell phone answered her own question. Rachel kept screaming.

Nishant stared, a sick feeling rising in his gut. He’d done this. He hadn’t known quite what would happen, certainly hadn’t meant to hurt anyone. But hadn’t he pushed the tree toward fire? He was responsible. What would his mother say if she could see him now? The girl didn’t look too badly injured, but she was in so much pain.

The fire was spreading into nearby trees, though the original blaze had already died down to the size of a small campfire. Nothing was left of the tree. It had been completely incinerated.

No, thought Nishant. Not incinerated. Replaced.

He concentrated on Rachel again, reaching out with his mind, feeling the pain in her hands, her cheeks. So much pain. But pain was a good word, too. Not good to experience, but good for transforming into…

The stormclouds unfurled in seconds like an apocalyptic banner, and the sky spilled torrents of rain. The spreading flames flickered and died under that colossal gray. The children surged inside the shelter of the bus.

And Rachel –

She sat up. The burn remained on her face, but she had stopped crying. Her agony had vanished. Bemused, the teacher ushered her and Nishant on to the bus as well, still speaking rapidly into the phone.

As Nishant took his seat, dripping small puddles onto the floor, he gazed out the window through the curtain of streaming water. The storm was subsiding. He couldn’t help but smile. Through the swirl of competing questions and ideas, one thought dominated his nine-year-old brain.

I need to buy a thesaurus.

Friday Links

comet

On November 1, the newly-discovered Comet ISON will visit Earth. The comet will be brighter than Halley’s, perhaps the brightest of the century.

gizoogle

Gizoogle. “Fo’ all y’all biotches who wanna find shiznit”.

smbc

Sometimes, SMBC delivers the funny. Other times, it delivers the truth.

Have a great weekend. See you Monday!

Yoda vs. Everybody 22: THE FINAL BATTLE

Yoda vs. Dark Yoda!

To skip the opening and go straight to the lightsaber battle, jump to 1:30.