If babies were cars

  • You have to stop every three hours to fill up the tank, whether you’re driving or not.
  • There’s only one warning light on the dash. It’s blindingly bright and offers no information about what’s wrong. The light comes on approximately ten times a day.
  • The warning light also causes the horn to honk. There is no way to turn off this feature.
  • Your car’s garage is located on the second floor, right next to your bedroom, so that you don’t miss any of those delightful horn honks.
  • You have to change the filter about every three hours.
  • The car flails and wiggles the whole time you’re changing the filter.
  • The car does not come with an owner’s manual. You can buy a third-party manual if you wish; there are about 50,000 to choose from, and they all offer conflicting information.
  • You do not get a choice of color. If the car is an unexpected color, people get very upset.
  • The car does not drive. At all. If you want to take the car somewhere, you must tow it using another vehicle.
  • If you try to trade in the car for another, better functioning model, you will be arrested.
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5 responses to “If babies were cars

  1. 😄 epic list.

    I don’t have a kid (that I’m aware of hehe) but from my babysitting days, I’d add to the list:

    – The car will randomly emit horrible smells. Air fresheners are useless.
    – it is practically guaranteed that if you want the car to go left, it will crawl to the right.
    – occasionally, the car will reject your fuel. Cleanup sucks.

  2. – Nearly all these issues can be fixed with duct tape. However, fixing any of these issues with duct tape will lead to you being shunned by polite society

  3. So, the (terrible) grammarian inside me wonders if this is an allegory, since it’s an extended metaphor? 😀

    (lol, so cute!)

  4. I think I see one major problem with your allegoraphor. What about user-operator for car versus kid. I think if I tried to use my son for locomotion, I may go to jail.

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