You Might Be An Author

With apologies to Mr. Foxworthy:

If you’ve ever accused a dictionary of lying to you…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever name-dropped Michael Chabon at a cocktail party…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever denied someone a second date because they said “ATM machine” during the first…you might be an author.

If you twitched at “they” in the previous sentence…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever informed a bill collector that “Money always flows toward the author”…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever revised a text message for clarity…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever used word count as a measurement of time (i.e. “I’ll be ready for dinner in another hundred words”)…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever demanded a mulligan on the Battle of Hastings…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever mailed a box of Godivas to an acquisitions editor…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever referred to health insurance as “speculative fiction”…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever filled out a restaurant comment card in iambic pentameter…you might be an author.

If any part of your body has been signed by Neil Gaiman…you might be an author.

If passive voice bothered you in the previous sentence…you might be an author.

If you believe the line “O death, where is thy sting?” contains an apostrophe…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever read a Dean Koontz novel for research purposes…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever written a letter that began “Dear CMOS,”…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever gone to Bingo Night expecting to play Scrabble…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever referred to an exclamation point as “gratuitous”…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever cited “quantity of books” as a reason not to move to a new house…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever accused your spouse’s grocery list of employing an unreliable narrator…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever informed a Trekkie that Chekhov’s gun is not a phaser…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever done something just so you could put it in your autobiography…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever referred to your children as “sequels”…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever sent a query letter to the Central Intelligence Agency…you might be an author.

If the word “steampunk” appears anywhere in your resume…you might be an author.

If “writer’s block” is something you throw at people who say “fiction novel”…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever accused your spouse of promoting descriptivist grammar…you might be an author.

If you find yourself reading books with shorter titles because they’re easier to tweet about…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever referred to a Jane Austen novel as “mainstream”…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever deducted Bailey’s and coffee on a tax form…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever had to clarify the phrase “murder your darlings” to an officer of the law…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever misspelled something longhand and reached for Ctrl+Z…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever reread a book you hated to see if it was the translator’s fault…you might be an author.

If you’re happily married and still have a fear of rejection…you might be an author.

If you think New York is exciting “because that’s where the agents are”…you might be an author.

If you have any idea what the hell I’m rambling on about…you might be an author.

Got more? Add ’em in the comments!

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