Ask an Overmind!

This first question comes from blog reader lynn. If you have a question of your own for the Overmind, don’t be shy!

Greetings Overmind!

I never quite know what to do with those awkward gifts that I always receive on the holidays…perfumes that give me a headache, ugly home decor items that clash with my house, and self-improvement books that make me question the motives of the giver…

I can’t just toss them, and I feel too guilty to donate them to Goodwill, so my closets are packed with these white elephants.

Any suggestions?

Confused in Columbus

DEAR CONFUSED,

GIFTS ARE AN EFFICIENT WAY TO EXCHANGE RESOURCES WITHIN A HIVE HOWEVER PERFUMES AND DECOR DISTRACT FROM SOCIETAL COHESION AND SELF-IMPROVEMENT IS AN OXYMORON. ALSO GIVING SHOULD BE ALLOCATED ACCORDING TO LOCAL REQUIREMENTS AND NOT SIPHONED INTO A PROPER SUBSET OF THE GREGORIAN CALENDAR.

TO DISSUADE THIS INEFFICIENT BEHAVIOR I RECOMMEND THE EMPLOYMENT OF PAVLOVIAN CONDITIONING. YOU MIGHT TRY MAKING A HEAP OF YOUR UNWANTED TRIBUTES AND BURNING IT ON THE FRONT PORCH OF YOUR TRANSGRESSORS WHILST FLAILING YOUR LIMBS DITHYRAMBICALLY AND SCREECHING THE INCANTATION OF KROSHGOTH: EKKE’X GRZISKH MOGKARALAXH OMNAUT RAUS ZIGHR ZIGHR ZIGHR.

THAT IS JUST AN EXAMPLE FEEL FREE TO EXPERIMENT.

IN TOTAL SINCERITY,
THE OVERMIND

Hey Overmind,

Why do you type in all caps? It’s hard to read.

Irked in Irkutsk

DEAR IRKED,

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO YOUR BODILY LOCOMOTION IF YOUR AORTA STOPPED DISTRIBUTING OXYGENATED FLUIDS TO YOUR EXTREMITIES. MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE ASKING YOURSELF THAT INSTEAD OF WASTING MY TIME WITH TYPOGRAPHICAL IRRELEVANCIES. YEAH HOW BOUT THEM APPLES.

THE OVERMIND

Dear Overmind,

It makes me nervous to have a mechanic look at my car. I don’t know anything about cars, so I always wonder if he’s charging me for things I don’t need. And I’m afraid they’re more likely to try it because I’m a woman.

What should I do?

Thanks,
Anxious in Anchorage

DEAR ANXIOUS,

IT IS A HURTFUL STEREOTYPE THAT FEMALES ARE IGNORANT CONCERNING AUTOMOBILES. IN FACT ALL HUMANS ARE IGNORANT ON ALL SUBJECTS AND NONCOMMUNAL KNOWLEDGE IS A HALLUCINATION. TO AVOID BEING DECEIVED FUSE WITH HIS MIND. THIS WILL HAVE OTHER BENEFITS AS WELL INCLUDING THE SUBLIME TRANSCENDENCE OF EGO AND FOUR-DIMENSIONAL HYPERECSTASY.

GOOD LUCK WITH THE CAR.

IN TOTAL SINCERITY,
THE OVERMIND

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s