The Joy of X

This shot is from the episode "FML, Part 37."

This shot is from the episode “FML, Part 37.”

I sojourned this weekend with the inestimable Ben Trube (truly, he cannot be estimated), and when he heard that I had somehow managed to survive thirty years without watching a single episode of The X-Files, he declared it a horror that must be remedied.

So we watched two episodes, one from season 3 about a lake monster, and one from season 5 about vampires. We laughed at the funny parts, and we laughed at the campy parts, and for sci-fi shows from the 90s that generally covers 80% of the episode. I had a good time, and I do agree it could be fun to watch more.

Here is my summary of the entire series, based solely on those two episodes. (I mock with affection.)

Mulder: HAY SCULLY HAHA GUESS WHUT OMG

Scully: What’s up?

Mulder: YOU KNO HOW 25 PEOPLE ALL GOT MURDER’D LAST WEEK LOL

Scully: I – I do, yes. It was a tragic –

Mulder: I SOLVED IT

Scully: [cautiously] That’s good…

Mulder: IT WAS THE ABONIMMABLE SNOWMAN

Scully: [deep sigh] That is not a thing.

Mulder: OMG SCULLY MANY ANCIENT CULTUREZ RECORD LEGENDS OF GIANT SNOW CREATURES HOW CAN YOUR SCIENCE EXPLAIN THAT

Scully: Are they vague, contradictory, and only loosely related to each other?

Mulder: HAHA SCULLY GUESS WHUT

Scully: [pinches bridge of nose]

Mulder: I CAN PROVE TEH SNOWMANS THEORY

Scully: Okay, “theory” has a very specific meaning that I don’t think you –

Mulder: LOOK AT THIS HOW DO U EXPLAIN THIS

Scully: This is a carrot, Mulder.

Mulder: IT’S A ABOBINAMABLE SNOWMAN NOSE

Scully: …

Mulder: THE TRUTHS IS OUT THARE SCULLY

Scully: …

Mulder: DID U KNOW THERE ARE 9 DIFFERENT TYPES OF ABONIMIBLE SNOWMANS AND I MADE A PICTURE OF ONE OUT OF MACARONI AND

Scully: [stabs Mulder with a gardening trowel seventeen times]

Scully: Free! I’m free! [unhinged laughter] No jury in the world will convict me!

She’s right. The end.

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4 responses to “The Joy of X

  1. I note that Mr Trube did not include any of the long-arc episodes there. In fact, he seems to have picked two of the episodes most likely to give the impression that the X-Files is an above average example of a 90’s sci-fi serial.

    Rather than its true purpose as a stark warning of the horrors already occurring, thinly disguised as fiction.

    I suggest you subtly check him for signs of mind control, such as speaking with a US accent, an above average interest in maths, and claiming this comment is clearly satire.

  2. ::Cigarette Smoking Man watches from the shadows, nods, puffs thoughtfully…::

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