I sojourned this weekend with the inestimable Ben Trube (truly, he cannot be estimated), and when he heard that I had somehow managed to survive thirty years without watching a single episode of The X-Files, he declared it a horror that must be remedied.
So we watched two episodes, one from season 3 about a lake monster, and one from season 5 about vampires. We laughed at the funny parts, and we laughed at the campy parts, and for sci-fi shows from the 90s that generally covers 80% of the episode. I had a good time, and I do agree it could be fun to watch more.
Here is my summary of the entire series, based solely on those two episodes. (I mock with affection.)
Mulder: HAY SCULLY HAHA GUESS WHUT OMG
Scully: What’s up?
Mulder: YOU KNO HOW 25 PEOPLE ALL GOT MURDER’D LAST WEEK LOL
Scully: I – I do, yes. It was a tragic –
Mulder: I SOLVED IT
Scully: [cautiously] That’s good…
Mulder: IT WAS THE ABONIMMABLE SNOWMAN
Scully: [deep sigh] That is not a thing.
Mulder: OMG SCULLY MANY ANCIENT CULTUREZ RECORD LEGENDS OF GIANT SNOW CREATURES HOW CAN YOUR SCIENCE EXPLAIN THAT
Scully: Are they vague, contradictory, and only loosely related to each other?
Mulder: HAHA SCULLY GUESS WHUT
Scully: [pinches bridge of nose]
Mulder: I CAN PROVE TEH SNOWMANS THEORY
Scully: Okay, “theory” has a very specific meaning that I don’t think you –
Mulder: LOOK AT THIS HOW DO U EXPLAIN THIS
Scully: This is a carrot, Mulder.
Mulder: IT’S A ABOBINAMABLE SNOWMAN NOSE
Mulder: THE TRUTHS IS OUT THARE SCULLY
Mulder: DID U KNOW THERE ARE 9 DIFFERENT TYPES OF ABONIMIBLE SNOWMANS AND I MADE A PICTURE OF ONE OUT OF MACARONI AND
Scully: [stabs Mulder with a gardening trowel seventeen times]
Scully: Free! I’m free! [unhinged laughter] No jury in the world will convict me!
She’s right. The end.