If You’re Happy and You Know It

Last night I called a local restaurant to order takeout, and a woman who sounded stressed and mildly aggravated answered the phone: “We’re having a great day at [restaurant name], how can I help you?”

“We’re having a great day”?

What kind of twisted, sadistic manager makes their employees say something like this every time they pick up a telephone? You’re literally forcing them to lie – over and over. It can’t be good for morale. And, I mean, do we seriously think that any customers believe this?

Oh wow, they’re having a great day! I should call them more often!

With that in mind – managers, if you’re hellbent on forcing employees to say something at the start of phone calls, here are some alternative suggestions:

  • We were having a great day until you called, how can I help you?
  • War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. We are having a great day.
  • Who waits on the waiters?
  • I’m momentarily overcome with spasms of ecstatic, transcendental awe because you have selected our restaurant. Please hold.
  • How you doin’?
  • Would you classify this request as a need or a want?
  • Every day draws us ineluctably nearer to the heat death of the universe, would you like to try our specials?
  • [starts singing theme song to Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt]
  • I’ll be happy to take your order…if you can answer me these riddles three.
  • [sobbing uncontrollably] We’re…having a…[blowing nose]…a great…oh God, I can’t do this anymore…
  • ‘Sup, bitches?

2 responses to “If You’re Happy and You Know It

  1. “And, I mean, do we seriously think that any customers believe this?”

    Or, in fact, care.

    I do think it would be nice to work “Resistance is futile” in there somehow.

    I used to hang out in a comic book store where the standard phone greeting was “Happy Harry’s Whorehouse!” but, you know, it was a comic book store.

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