Last night I called a local restaurant to order takeout, and a woman who sounded stressed and mildly aggravated answered the phone: “We’re having a great day at [restaurant name], how can I help you?”
“We’re having a great day”?
What kind of twisted, sadistic manager makes their employees say something like this every time they pick up a telephone? You’re literally forcing them to lie – over and over. It can’t be good for morale. And, I mean, do we seriously think that any customers believe this?
Oh wow, they’re having a great day! I should call them more often!
With that in mind – managers, if you’re hellbent on forcing employees to say something at the start of phone calls, here are some alternative suggestions:
- We were having a great day until you called, how can I help you?
- War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. We are having a great day.
- Who waits on the waiters?
- I’m momentarily overcome with spasms of ecstatic, transcendental awe because you have selected our restaurant. Please hold.
- How you doin’?
- Would you classify this request as a need or a want?
- Every day draws us ineluctably nearer to the heat death of the universe, would you like to try our specials?
- [starts singing theme song to Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt]
- I’ll be happy to take your order…if you can answer me these riddles three.
- [sobbing uncontrollably] We’re…having a…[blowing nose]…a great…oh God, I can’t do this anymore…
- ‘Sup, bitches?
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“And, I mean, do we seriously think that any customers believe this?”
Or, in fact, care.
I do think it would be nice to work “Resistance is futile” in there somehow.
I used to hang out in a comic book store where the standard phone greeting was “Happy Harry’s Whorehouse!” but, you know, it was a comic book store.
“Your order will be ready in about 30 minutes. Your biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own. Have a nice day!”