Hazards of Fatherhood

Babies are wonderful. Holding a baby is wonderful.

But listen up, ’cause I’m gonna drop a truth bomb: A baby will grab your nipple.

I’m not kidding about this. You’re holding a baby — perhaps even your own baby — and he will reach over and just grab your nipple as hard as he can. In related news: When your nipple gets grabbed by a baby, it hurts.

You might think a five-month-old baby is not very strong. How much damage can five tiny fingers really do? It turns out, though, that strength is relative. A baby cannot, perhaps, crush an aluminum can. But a nipple is not aluminum. It is much easier to crush than a Coke can, and it contains many more pain receptors.

Also, baby fingernails grow really fast, so even if they’re trimmed frequently, they’re like itty bitty daggers most of the time.

Also also, if you’re a dude (like me), it’s possible you don’t wear a bra (like me). It’s possible your top half is covered by nothing more than a thin cotton T-shirt, or in some cases, heaven help you, nothing at all.

A baby can sense when your defenses are weak.

And here’s the biggest thing. If an adult makes an unsolicited nipple grab, it is considered a serious faux pas, and also, under most circumstances, their fault. “Why did you grab and squeeze my nipple as hard as you could?” one might reasonably ask.

But if a baby grabs your nipple, it is considered your own fault for not guarding the nipple.

So, people. You have to be careful.

If you are considering having a baby, take this into consideration. And if you are considering holding someone else’s baby…

That is all.

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