Live fast, die younglings

You remember this part from Revenge of the Sith, right? The fascist revolution is in full swing, and Anakin’s gone full-on whiny Dark Side, and he’s slicing up everything in sight for reasons that remain dubious at best. He walks into this room:

The kids younglings hiding behind the chairs come out. It’s Skywalker! They’re saved!

Then Anakin gives him this look that’s pure stomach cramps evil:

And he whips out his lightsaber …

The scene cuts away there, implying that what comes next — Anakin murdering all the kids — is simply too awful to show.

But I’m not so sure about all that.

Yeah, okay, so Obi-Wan supposedly finds some kids’ bodies later, and watches a recording of the alleged murders, yada, yada. That’s just a cover-up by George Lucas.

See, people don’t give these younglings enough credit. What, they automatically get slaughtered just because they’re not old enough to drive? Let’s look at the facts:

• The kids outnumber Annykins by at least seven to one — and I bet there are more hiding somewhere.
• On closer inspection (click the pictures above to enlarge), they all have little weapons that appear to be lightsabers.
• They’ve been trained by the best teachers in the galaxy, and they’ve been hanging out there in the Temple with Master Yoda, who would have definitely taught them some sweet tricks.
• None of these children look even remotely scared, apart from that dude gawking in the middle. And even he’s probably just concerned that Anna Kinninina needs to find a bathroom.

Here’s what I think really went down.

First off, at least one of these kids is for sure a complete, certified, 100% hardcore badass.

He leaps up and whips out this crazy three-bladed lightsaber he made in shop class one day for extra credit. While Darth N00b steps back to fend off this preadolescent beatdown, the other munchkins rush him from all sides with ROY G. BIV lightsabers, yelling “Taste the rainbow!” A kickass metal remix of “Duel of the Fates” starts jamming in the background. After five minutes of epic choreography, Darth Wannabe hightails it out of there and barely escapes with his life.

And then later Padme’s all:

And Anakin’s like:

Man, I should write Star Wars movies. Do they need anyone for Episode IX?