Evan the Vampire Slayer

Pilot episode.


But I can still blame the media, right?

Me: The news is all about sensationalism, splashy headlines, scandals, and gossip. Give me something real. Something that matters.

News: Okay. There are five million Syrian refugees who —

Me: No, that’s horribly depressing and I haven’t even had coffee yet. I mean, it’s important, but — what else do you have?

News: Six months after Hurricane Maria, hundreds of thousands of Puerto Ricans are still without electricity —

Me: Also horribly depressing.

News: Okay … well, we’ve got new tariffs in place, NAFTA’s future is shaky, and healthcare reform is still a huge open question.

Me: And I’m glad you’re covering that stuff but it’s also really complicated and there’s not much I can do about it. What else?

News: Let’s see. We can talk about immigration reform, border security, examine the problem from diverse viewpoints …

Me: I’m tired of hearing about that.

News: Um. Facebook privacy concerns?

Me: Yeah, trusting Facebook with personal data is like telling Lex Luthor to babysit your kid. This is not a shocking revelation. Next.

News: Famous person who died recently?

Me: Didn’t even care about them when they were alive.

News: Endangered elephants in Africa?

Me: Depressing.

News: Science has found a new technique for achieving happiness?

Me: Probably over-extrapolating from one or two little studies.

News: Brand-new album by a lesser-known artist?

Me: Eh.

News: Trends in fashion?

Me: No.

News: March Madness?

Me: I assume you’re kidding.

News: Well … (deep sigh) White House gossip and stupid Trump tweets?


Okay, I’m exaggerating. But still.

Happy Friday

“Hey, can you give me an example of a non sequitur?”

“Yeah, it’s like if someone says, ‘I want to visit South Dakota,’ and someone else says, ‘No, let’s go to Nebraska instead.'”

“What? That isn’t a non sequitur.”

“Are you claiming that my response didn’t follow logically from your question?”

“I hate you.”

“I know.”

Every day I’m titlin’

I was really excited to see that new movie Annihilation, starring Natalie Portman — except apparently not that excited, because the interwebs inform me that it came out a month ago, and I didn’t even know.

Anyway, yesterday I picked up the novel Annihilation that the movie was based on. It’s good so far. It’s also part of a trilogy, which surprised me for some reason. I was thinking that a title like Annihilation is hard to top. Where do you go from there? What do you call books 2 and 3? You’re bound to disappoint. (Indeed, the actual titles — Authority and Acceptance respectively — are a bit of a letdown.)

I was talking to Betsy about all this yesterday, and she quite disagreed with my assessment on sequel titles. In fact, she thought of a perfect title for book 2 in a matter of seconds.

I present it now in its full glory. Are you ready? Prepare yourself, if you dare, for…

You might see something cooler than that today.

But I doubt it.

What’s the oldest movie you’ve seen?

I was thinking about this a couple weeks ago, for reasons I don’t recall. My first thought was Disney’s Snow White (1937), but after a little quality time with Google, I think the real answer is the original King Kong, which came out in 1933 — back when audible dialogue was still an exciting new development in the cinematic world.

What’s the oldest movie you’ve seen?

Alternate question: If I wanted to break my 1933 record, what film would you recommend? I’ve never seen anything with Charlie Chaplin, any suggestions there?

Postmortem: Atlantis

Imagine, if you will, a film starring Michael J. Fox. Co-starring Leonard Nimoy and Claudia Christian (Ivanova, for you Babylon 5 fans). Featuring linguistic work by Marc Okrand (the guy who created the Klingon language). Co-written by Joss Whedon. Animated by Disney, with a healthy dose of CG. And available on Netflix to boot.

Would Brian be interested in such a film? Yes, Brian would.

And Brian (who apparently is speaking in the third person now?) watched it with Betsy on Saturday.

So first of all: yep, it’s good. Apparently Whedon didn’t have a whole lot to do with it (there are five other co-writers, and I’m told his contribution ended up being minimal) but I daresay it still has a bit of a Whedon-ish vibe. Weird fantasy stuff? Check. Funnier than most sitcoms? Check. Girl with crazy/scary superpowers? Check. Lots and lots of death? El checko.

(Seriously, this is a kids’ movie that earns its PG rating. The sheer quantity of people who die onscreen is really remarkable. It’s not graphic or anything, but, I mean, damn.)

Nimoy’s voice acting as the king of Atlantis is great, but I loved hearing Claudia Christian even more. That’s partly because her character (blond on the right, above) doesn’t just sound like Ivanova from B5, she basically is Ivanova. Brave first officer on a dangerous mission, deeply sarcastic, the whole deal. Maybe a bit ethically challenged, but hey, they’ve gotta keep it fun.

Okay, I’ve rambled a lot about who is in the movie. But what’s it about?

To be honest, the plot isn’t super riveting. Ancient empire beneath the waves, plucky adventurer(s), exotic princess, a touch of genocide, glowy crystal magic, climactic battle — it’s all good stuff, but the dots connect in more-or-less typical Disney fashion. Where Atlantis shines is in the execution.

Visually, it’s beautiful, as I hope the screenshots convey. From the very first scene, Atlantis uses traditional animation and computer graphics in tandem, to powerful effect. Sometimes the character movements are a little over-the-top (a trait the film shares with Titan A.E., among others) but mostly it’s great.

The dialogue is top-notch too. The characters don’t just talk to move the plot along — they talk because they’re people who have something to say. In terms of making the movie come alive, everything basically clicks.

So is Atlantis the perfect movie? I remember thinking, about halfway through, that it actually kinda was. But the second half stumbled a bit IMO. Not any single thing, really — but the big “surprise” was obvious long in advance, and the pieces never quite came together in a really satisfying way. And even though the characters were vivid and realistic, I never fully connected with them. Not exactly sure why. Part of it may have been that there were just too many, so most of them — the princess especially — didn’t get enough screen time to really develop.

But it’s still a good time. And besides — I could forgive any number of flaws in a film that delivers this immortal line, which makes all writers on earth weep with jealousy because they didn’t think of it first:

Words of wisdom for us all.

Choose your own headline

This Washington Post headline is way better if you read “trolls” as a verb.

I’m just sayin’.