Why Can’t I Have Just One Hijink?

“Hijinks” is a weird word. I mean, most words are weird, but this one goes above and beyond.

Hijinks are fun, possibly mischievous activities. We use it as a plural noun, except we don’t really know what a “hijink” is, or why we never seem to have just one of them. So what is the freakin’ deal?

ETYMOLOGY ADVENTURE COMMENCE!

“Hijinks” is a variation of “high jinks,” which – around the 1700s – was a drinking game. You’d roll dice, and if you got a bad roll, you either had to do something embarrassing, or drink. (Thanks, Readers Digest!)

That name, in turn, was based on the word “jinks,” meaning playful activities – pretty much the same thing as “hijinks.” (Still plural-only, apparently.) And “jinks” is apparently related to the Old English “cincung,” which – I am told – means “a loud or cackling laughter.”

Another meaning of “jink” – singular this time – is swift or evasive movement. But it’s not clear (to me, at least) whether that has any connection to the meanings above.

Then of course there’s “jinx,” a hex or a curse. Sounds like it might be related, but actually it’s from the Latin “jynx,” or wryneck, a type of woodpecker evidently used in magic.

Which is funny to me, because “Jynx” is the name of a Pokemon, a deliberate misspelling of “jinx,” but more correct than they thought, since “jinx” was spelled with a “y” in the first place. (I do not expect this to be funny to anyone else.)

All that is a long way of saying that “jinx” is probably unrelated to “hijinks,” and I still don’t know why you can’t have just one “hijink,” and thus I’ve completely wasted your time. Have a good day!

The Witch and the Dragon – Chapters 1 & 2

“The Witch and the Dragon” is Buffy fan fic, 28,000 words, over a quarter the length of a typical novel. I finished it in sixteen days. The story grabbed me, demanded to exist, and practically wrote itself. For those two weeks, I was obsessed, working on it every free moment, thinking about it every non-free moment. (Ask Betsy if you don’t believe me.) It was about the most fun I’ve ever had writing anything.

Finally, on February 12, came the moment of truth. Betsy sat down to read it.

When your wife says your story is good, you might wonder if she’s just being polite. But when she reads 28,000 words in a single sitting, without even getting up, you dare to hope that you’ve got a winner. (I later made some more revisions based on her feedback.)

So here it is. I’ll probably post it in two-chapter chunks, one every Monday. [Update: entire story now available online.]

The story’s set in the year 2035, thirty-two years after the end of the Buffy TV show. Why so far in the future?

I was inspired, in part, by the Babylon 5 series finale “Sleeping in Light,” which similarly takes place twenty years after the main arc has ended, gathering the divergent threads of the characters’ lives and weaving them back together one last time. I love the idea of looking ahead, seeing how time and circumstance have changed everyone. How have they matured, and how are they the same? What’s been broken, and what’s been fixed? What’s the fallout of the story you fell in love with? Who are these people, really?

Also I wanted to write a big-ass battle scene, because those are fun.

The story draws on Buffy as well as Angel, so ideally you’ve seen them both in their entirety before reading this. If you’ve only seen Buffy, you can probably get by okay. If you haven’t seen either, you’re welcome to read, but I can’t promise it will make sense. In any case, there are major-league spoilers for both shows, so consider yourself warned.

In terms of continuity, I have (mostly) ignored the comics. I did this for several reasons, not least because I (mostly) haven’t read them yet. Just pretend that only the TV shows are canon.

In terms of content, I’d call this PG-13 for language, violence, and some sexual references. Overall, a little tamer than the shows.

Enjoy!

Table of Contents

[Chapters 1 & 2] [Chapters 3 & 4] [Chapters 5 & 6]
[Chapters 7 & 8] [Chapters 9 & 10] [Chapters 11 & 12]
[Chapters 13 & 14] [Chapters 15 & 16] [Chapters 17 & 18]
[Chapters 19 & 20] [Chapters 21 & 22] [Chapters 23 & 24]
[Chapters 25 & 26] [Chapters 27 & 28] [Chapters 29 & 30]
[Chapters 31 & 32]

Standard Disclaimer

This is fan fiction of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, which were created by Joss Whedon. If you like, you can read my thoughts on the ethics and legality of fan fiction.


The Witch and the Dragon

Chapter 1

Willow strode into the high-walled grassy courtyard with a sigh of relief.

A two-hour personnel review, another hour of budget revisions with the Board, a telecon interview with the San Francisco Journal of Metaphysics, half an hour to scarf down lunch – and somehow it wasn’t even noon yet.

Running the San Jose College of Witchcraft left precious little time for witchcraft. But that was about to change.

She kicked off her shoes, savored the cool grass on her bare feet. A breeze played with her short hair, and the California sun warmed her face.

Hello, world. I’ve missed you.

“Dr. Rosenberg?”

The voice belonged to a lanky, blond-haired boy who barely looked old enough to drive – not that anyone drove much anymore. He got up from his wrought iron chair and crossed the grass to meet her, a gray backpack slung over one shoulder, textbook in hand.

“You must be Marcus,” she said with a smile. He shook her hand vigorously.

“It’s such an incredible honor to meet you, Doctor. Um – should I call you Doctor or President?”

The way he talked to her, like she’d stepped out of a myth, made her feel every bit of her fifty…great Gaia, was she really fifty-four?

She didn’t feel any different. Was it possible the students were getting younger?

“Willow is fine,” she said lightly, sitting down on the grass.

“Oh, uh. Yes, ma’am.” He hesitated, then sat down facing her, depositing his stuff to one side. “Should I take off my shoes, too?”

“Only if you want to.” Willow reached into a blouse pocket and fished out two acorns. “Marcus, I try my best to meet every freshman one-on-one. I want all my students to be excited about magic. But I want them to be careful, too.”

She handed him one acorn and held the other in her open palm. He mimicked her.

“To levitate this,” she continued, “I don’t have to lift it. I just have to weave a gap in the earth’s downward pull. Then, with the slightest push, the acorn will rise on its own.”

She demonstrated, letting it rise a few inches. He did the same, grinning at her.

“It’s a subtle difference, but important. I’m not imposing my will on the universe. I’m finding a way to align its will with my own.”

The acorns fell.

“So many students think magic is about controlling things. That’s absolutely wrong.” She locked eyes with him, gentle but firm. “Magic is about self-control. Do your part, and the universe will do its part. Fail to control yourself, and the results can be devastating. Understand?”

“Yes, yes.” He was nodding. “That makes sense. Um…do you think you could show me with something bigger?” He picked up the textbook. “Like this?”

More. Bigger. Faster. That’s what they all wanted from their magic.

But then, she’d been the same way, at their age.

“I’m afraid acorns are about as big as I can go, these days.” She smiled again, trying to put him at ease. “I hope you’re not disappointed.”

“Oh, no ma’am, not at all. Everyone knows you’re still the greatest witch in the world, even after your…” Suddenly his ears turned red, and he fell silent.

“After my burnout?” said Willow.

“I’m sorry, ma’am. I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s all right,” she said honestly. “That was over fifteen years ago. I’ve moved on. Besides, you can do a lot, even with very little power. For instance – ”

Willow cut off as she noticed her secretary approaching. She frowned. “Margaret, can this wait till after the lesson?”

Margaret knelt beside her and whispered in her ear.

Her skin went cold.

“Please reschedule this young man for another day,” she mumbled, and sprinted back to her office, still in her bare feet.

Chapter 2

Willow reclined in the chair, drumming her fingers on the armrest as she tried to think. “And you’re certain of all this?”

On the rectangle of light floating over her desk, a blue-eyed, blue-haired woman tilted her head. “I am not. It is possible my calculations are in error, or that I am misinterpreting the results.”

“But you’re pretty sure?”

“I estimate the likelihood at over ninety-nine point nine nine nine nine nine– ”

Willow chuckled. “Forgot who I was talking to.”

“I am Illyria Burkle. For a thousand aeons, my armies laid waste to gods and mortals. Now, I conduct physics research at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.”

“Thanks.”

Illyria claimed all remnants of the Fred persona had vanished decades ago. That she had taken up her surname and profession to honor a woman who no longer existed.

But Willow couldn’t believe that. She’d only met Fred twice, but she had seen too much humanity in Illyria to accept that Fred hadn’t made a mark.

“Was I correct,” said Illyria, “in assuming that this information would interest you?”

“Yes. Absolutely. Thank you.”

“Then may I ask if you have formulated a course of action?”

She glanced up at the framed diploma on her wall, which assured her that one Willow Danielle Rosenberg still had a PhD in computer science.

“I’m a doctor,” she said. “It’s time to make some house calls.”

[Go on to chapters 3 & 4]

Friday Links: Special Fan Art Edition

All of these links are to DeviantArt pages, so you can click the image to enlarge.

For you Babylon 5 fans out there, here’s a stylized drawing of Lyta Alexander. (With symbolism! Ooohhh…)

For the X-Files peeps, here’s Scully in “Lights in the Sky.” (I’ve never even seen an episode, but I hear good things…)

For the Adventure Time guys and gals, we have the Lumpy Gaga Tour.

And finally, if for some reason you like Buffy (I hear there are some weirdos that do? *cough*) here’s a poster for Cirque du Slay. (Do…do you get it?)

Have an exemplary weekend, and I’ll see you Monday!

Favorite Sentences

If you like to read (and let’s face it – you’re in the wrong place otherwise) then maybe you have some favorite sentences. Single ones that stand out in your brain from all the books and essays and everything you’ve read.

Some sentences are great because they’re full of emotion, or profoundly insightful, or funny, or because they perfectly capture some feeling you’ve always had but could never express.

But sometimes a sentence is great just for the way it sounds, the sheer mechanical construction of it.

Lolita is a deeply weird book on many levels, but I give Nabokov credit for one thing, at least. He wrote what is probably the best-sounding sentence I’ve ever heard. And it’s in the very first paragraph. He’s describing what it’s like to pronounce the girl’s name, so not only is it a good-sounding sentence, it’s a sentence about sound.

Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta.

(Technically that’s a sentence plus three more syllables. But. Oh. Well.)

Any sentences you like for their sound or construction?

Why I’m Going to Post My Buffy Fan Fic Online

I’ve made no secret of my love for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and recently I’ve even admitted to writing fan fic. Kind of a lot, in fact. And I was getting a little bummed out that I couldn’t post it online, because I felt it might be illegal and/or unethical and/or improper for an author hoping to be published himself.

But I’ve done some research, and you know what? I think I’m going to do it. And I’m going to write a whole post about why, on the dubious assumption that you care, because that’s just the kind of person I am.

The debate on this topic has been long and often heated, but my goal here isn’t to rehash old arguments. My goal is to clarify – to myself, as well as others – what my own position is.

Let’s look at the possible objections.

Isn’t posting fan fic illegal?

(Disclaimer: I am not now, nor will I ever be, a lawyer. This answer is based on my own personal research. Disclaimer #2: We’re talking about U.S. law here. I can’t speak for any other nation.)

The short answer: as far as I can tell, the legality of fan fic is unclear.

The long answer:

Fan fiction definitely uses material copyrighted by someone else, but that isn’t necessarily copyright infringement. You aren’t infringing as long as your work is “fair use.” And what is fair use?

Unfortunately, the law doesn’t give a clear definition. What it gives are four “factors” to consider. The more factors are in your favor, the more likely the court is to decide your work is fair use. The factors are:

  • The purpose and character of the use, including whether such use is of a commercial nature or is for nonprofit educational purposes
  • The nature of the copyrighted work
  • The amount and substantiality of the portion used in relation to the copyrighted work as a whole
  • The effect of the use upon the potential market for or value of the copyrighted work

I plan to post my stuff online for free, so I wouldn’t think it’s “of a commercial nature.” As for the “purpose and character of the use,” are my stories transformative or derivative? I would think they’re both, but I have no idea what a court would say.

How much of the Buffy canon am I using in my story, “in relation to the copyrighted work as a whole” (i.e. the whole canon)? Depends what you mean by “use,” but I would think not very much. The vast majority of episodes aren’t even mentioned.

Finally, what is “the effect of the use upon the potential market for or value of” Buffy? Negligible.

So, a number of points in my favor. Whether that’s enough, I really don’t know. Maybe we’ll find out!

Aren’t you stealing money from the original author/creator?

If I am, I must be doing it wrong, because I don’t see my bank account going up.

But aren’t you siphoning potential sales from the original author?

You mean, are people going to watch/read less official Buffy because they’re too busy reading my stuff? I think you vastly overrate my influence here. In reality, fan fiction keeps people more interested in the source material, not less.

Won’t the author get angry or upset?

Depends on the author. J.K. Rowling is cool with Harry Potter fan fic. Neil Gaiman and John Scalzi appreciate fan-written works as well. Orson Scott Card said, “Every piece of fan fiction is an ad for my book. What kind of idiot would I be to want that to disappear?”

On the other hand, some authors – even some authors I respect, like George R. R. Martin – have made it clear that they want no fan stories about their characters. Such authors give a variety of reasons for this, including:

  • If I don’t defend my copyright, I could lose it. (As far as I can tell, this is inaccurate. It appears to be true of trademarks, but that’s a separate issue.)
  • I dislike seeing my characters mishandled and abused by others. (It’s legitimate to feel this way, and in such cases I might decide to respect the author’s wishes out of kindness, but that says nothing about what fans have the right to do.)
  • Fan fiction is lazy. (Writing fan fiction about a story takes more effort than merely reading a story, but authors never seem to complain when you read their stuff. Weird, huh?)
  • I’m losing money on this. (99.999% of the time, it’s posted free online, so nobody’s losing money. If a fan really is trying to make a buck on your copyrighted stuff, by all means, go after them.)
  • Fan fiction will tarnish the good name of me or my work. (I have never confused fan work with official work, nor heard of anyone who has. But if this is really the concern, a simple disclaimer at the top – “This is a work of fan fiction, etc.” – should clear it up.)

Why don’t you just write a story in your own original universe?

This is like seeing someone eat chocolate ice cream and asking, “Why don’t you just eat vanilla?” The answer, of course, is “Because I felt like chocolate.”

I’ve written tons of non-fan fiction, and I enjoy it. But that doesn’t mean it’s the only legitimate way to write. Yes, fan fiction is easier in certain ways (worldbuilding largely done for you, for example), but that doesn’t make it wrong, and it doesn’t take away from the writing skills you still have to use.

Isn’t fan fiction inherently low-quality?

I’ll grant you that most fan fiction is low-quality, for the same reason that most of anything is low-quality. But the idea that badness is somehow inherent in the very idea of fan fiction itself?

Well, let’s see.

  • The critically acclaimed play, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, is fan fiction of Hamlet.
  • Michael Chabon, who has won a Pulitzer Prize (among many other awards), wrote the novel The Final Solution, which is Sherlock Holmes fan fiction.
  • The novel March, by Geraldine Brooks, won the Pulitzer Prize as well. It is  fan fiction of Little Women.
  • Paradise Lost, by John Milton, is fan fiction of the Bible.
  • The Aeneid, by Virgil, is fan fiction of the Iliad.

I don’t know if you know this, but many people consider those last two books to be – and I quote – “pretty good.”

To be clear, I’m not joking about Paradise Lost being fan fiction of the Bible. Yes, it’s funny to think of it that way, and yes, it’s very different from most fan fic today (understatement of the year), but fan fiction is still literally, exactly what it is.

Remarkably enough, it appears you can, in fact, tell a good story with someone else’s characters.

Wouldn’t you, as an author, be upset if someone wrote fan fiction of your stories?

Are you kidding? That would be friggin’ amazing. I hope someday I’m good enough that other people write fan fic of my stuff.

See, I believe the mindset that views fan fic as “stealing” or “appropriating” is fundamentally misguided. Fans aren’t taking. They’re giving.

Do you know what a fan fic is? It’s a shrine. It’s someone saying, “I love your fictional world so much and I want to be in it so much that I wrote something that didn’t even exist just so I could spend a little more time there.”

The idea that any creator could be upset about this is, frankly, baffling to me. I understand that some are, and they’re entitled to their feelings. I just don’t get it, is all.

(Of course, I’m talking here about stuff posted for free, that acknowledges the source it’s working from. Someone making money off your ideas, or taking your words verbatim and calling them their own, is a different matter.)

Aren’t you embarrassed to post Buffy fan fic online?

Buffy the Vampire Slayer is one of the greatest TV shows ever made. If you don’t think so, you’re entitled to your opinion. And your opinion is wrong.

What does Joss Whedon (the creator of Buffy) think about all this?

There are a lot of Whedon quotes about fan fic, but this is my favorite:

I love it. I absolutely love it. I wish I had grown up in the era of fan fiction…I think it’s kind of a glorious thing to be able to be carrying the torch. That’s why I made these shows. I didn’t make them so that people would enjoy them and forget them; I made them so they would never be able to shake them. It’s the way I am as a fan. I create the shows that would make me do that.

Toronto Star interview, May 22, 2004

Finding out his attitude about this was the single biggest factor in my decision to go ahead and post my stuff. Fan fiction isn’t just something he tolerates. It’s part of the reason he made Buffy in the first place.

So. This was a really long post, but it was good for me to lay this all out, to organize my thoughts. Maybe next time I discuss this with someone, I’ll actually know what I’m talking about!

In the meantime, brace yourself for the Buffyness to come…

Son of a Glitch

I just spent an hour writing an 800-word post, and when I hit Publish, WordPress decided that must mean Delete. brb, punching my monitor.

Meat Gelatin: The Worst Gelatin?

One of the advantages of being married is that you find out all kinds of information which you would otherwise never encounter.

Yesterday, Betsy said, “You should do a blog post about aspic.”

I said, “What’s aspic?”

Aspic, it turns out, is meat gelatin – or, in the words of Dictionary.com, “savory jelly.” Imagine a plate of Jell-O, except that instead of being sweet, it tastes like beef, because it’s made of beef. And it usually has other stuff in it, like eggs, vegetables, or “[a]lmost any kind of food” (Wikipedia).

Yes, that’s right. It turns out that if you have congealed meat stock, you can put pretty much anything you want inside.

Evidently this has been going on since at least the Middle Ages, but it didn’t get popular in the U.S. until the 20th century. You can find all sorts of recipes from the ’50s to the ’70s for things like aspic-glazed lamb loaf, “turkey in aspic” with eggs and asparagus, jellied chicken salad, and creamy dried beef mold. People really made this stuff, and presumably even ate it.

The question is: why?

To be fair, I have never tried it. And, being of the “try anything once” camp, I would have a bite, given the chance. But I really, really can’t imagine it could be any good. And I’m not alone. A British food critic once described the dish as “like a big wine gum of pus, only not that nice.” (For you non-Brits out there, like me, a wine gum is similar to a gumdrop.)

According to this blog, the real reason people made aspic had nothing to do with the taste:

We’ve all wondered what the hell could motivate someone to create Jellied Bouillon with Frankfurters — well, it was simply so they could brag about owning a refrigerator. You can’t solidify gelatin without refrigeration, and so you couldn’t serve Jellied Bouillon with Frankfurters unless you were above a certain income level.

Don’t know if that’s true, but it certainly makes more sense than the “people liked to eat it” theory.

But the icing on the cake (or the shaped turkey mold) is the etymology. Feast your eyes on this:

1780-90; < French; perhaps so called because the form or color resembled those of an asp.

In other words, they named it that because it looked like a snake.

I admit this confuses me, because when I see aspic, I don’t think “snake-like.” But I do think “poisonous,” so maybe that’s the connection.

Anyone actually eaten this stuff? Give us the inside scoop! Metaphorically, please.

Friday Link

My dad told me about this, and you, too, may have already heard about Harper Lee’s surprisingly controversial second bookGo Set a Watchman, to be released July 14, 2015. It’s set after To Kill a Mockingbird chronologically, but she wrote it first.

The main concerns seem to be, 1) that she might not really have authorized the book and her editors/lawyers are taking advantage of her, and 2) that it might not be as good. The second concern is absurd – so what if it’s not? It doesn’t diminish the original book. The first concern is more legitimate, but I haven’t seen any evidence for it yet. Yes, it’s a dramatic change for Lee, who always said she’d never publish another book, but people can change their minds, can’t they?

Have a good weekend!

I Found This Name in 19th-Century Library Records

First name ‘Fairy.’ Last name ‘Wolf.’

Fairy Wolf.

Attention, future parents: if your baby name idea doesn’t describe a spectral predator, maybe you aren’t trying hard enough.

Why I Love Science, Reason #84,772

Here’s a photo of a sea slug, Alderia willowi. They’re a few millimeters long, and they’re endemic to California.

And here’s a photo of Willow Rosenberg, a character from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She starts off the show (apparently) straight, but later comes out as a lesbian. (Oddly enough, she’s also endemic to California.)

Side note: the Wikipedia article for Willow Rosenberg – who, to reiterate, is a fictional character – is approximately twenty-five times longer than the article for the sea slug, which is an actual living thing. There’s something hilarious about that.

Anyway.

Willow. Alderia willowi. The names…that’s just a coincidence, right?

To quote the biologist who discovered it, Patrick Krug:

[The] name is a tribute to…the character of Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer who displayed a similar flexibility in sexual behavior.

When I found this out, it was literally the best thing to happen to me that entire day.

Because a biologist is a Buffy fan? No, although that’s cool. Because he actually picked a specific Buffy character based on the behavior of the organism? No, although that’s even cooler.

My very favorite thing is that Alderia willowi is now the official name for this animal. Nobody else can change it. If you want to study it, you have to write Alderia willowi in your research paper. If you want to give a talk on it, that’s the name you have to give.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer is now, irrevocably, part of the edifice of scientific knowledge.

It’s the simple things, you know?

(P.S. Yes, I’m aware that scientific names can, under certain circumstances, change. DO NOT RUIN THIS FOR ME.)