Monthly Archives: June 2014

A big part of my Zen training is learning to live in the moment.

Sometimes, the present can be pleasurable. If you’re eating a bowl of ice cream and someone tells you to be “in the moment,” you probably won’t have to fight very hard to get there.

Other times, the present is painful to one degree or another.

For instance, right now I don’t want to write a blog post. I don’t know why. Laziness, petulance, sheer human nature – whatever you want to call it. I feel like doing anything else.

Doing what you don’t want to do causes pain. Sometimes mild (like now), sometimes severe. In these cases, being in the moment is about confronting that pain head-on.

You don’t grit your teeth and force yourself to fight the pain. Rather, you take a deep breath, and you feel the pain as deeply as you can.

This isn’t masochism.

See, it turns out that when you feel your own pain deeply, it begins to heal. When you step into pain, you come one step closer to walking out the other side.

And what’s on the other side?

Serenity.

It’s not that simple, of course – nothing is. Sometimes the pain comes back over and over, and sometimes you just can’t stay in the moment. You look for escape. You cry, you scream, you rage. You say, to hell with Buddha and the whole deal.

But even then, it’s possible to come back to the moment, to live in a state of gentle awareness. Maybe not easy, but possible.

I’ve struggled a lot lately with being in the moment, but I think my practice is slowly improving.

Embrace the pleasure. Embrace the pain.

See? I feel better already.

Are you a lurker? Do you read the blog, but refrain from commenting? Are you comfortable in the shadows, partaking of bloggy goodness whilst shielding yourself from the harsh light of public exposure?

My lurking brethren, today I say unto thee: break thy shackles! Step forward into the light! Leave a comment and make yourself known!

If you don’t know what to say, why not answer me these questions three:

1. What is your name? (Doesn’t have to be your real name. Your Internet nickname is fine if you want.)

2. What is your quest? (Name a project you’re working on, either at work or in your spare time.)

3. What is your favorite color? (No, really.)

And that’s it! De-lurking complete!

Come on. You know you want to.

Visiting family. Should be back Friday or Monday.

Image source

Azure firmament,
salty sapphire sea below:
two, yet somehow one.

Teetotaler, noun: a person who abstains totally from intoxicating drink.

I am a teetotaler.

Not by choice, you understand. I like shots, I love wine, and I love beer even more. I like the taste, I like the effects. I think alcohol is the perfect way to make people open up at parties. I have no moral objections at all.

But alcohol – I am told – is a depressant, and being depressed already, I’m not supposed to drink. So I don’t.

It’s weird.

For one thing, it’s weird being around people who drink. Alcohol feels like one of those privileges you earn by being an adult, and it’s been snatched away somehow. Everyone else here is grown up, so why am I still a child? I know it’s not like that, but that’s how it feels sometimes.

And it’s weird because – on the rare occasions when I have ignored my better judgment and drank – I actually do feel better. So there’s that.

I suppose it’s one of those things I just need to get used to. And I am used to it, mostly. It’s just…weird.

Have you ever abstained from alcohol? What was it like for you?

Two weeks ago, I wrote: “Do something unexpected today.” That was the day I gave two weeks’ notice at my job. Yesterday was my last day.

The main reason was the depression, of course. Between the illness itself and the side effects from the medication, days at work were getting unbearable. I had to get out – and I’m extremely fortunate that Betsy is able to support me for a while until I recover. So I got out.

What now?

Besides “getting better,” I do have a lot of things planned. First on the list is math tutoring. I used to tutor calculus back in college, and I’d like to get back into it for a bit. My new site is:

FindlayMathTutor.com

What do you think?

I also plan to focus more on writing, reading, Rosetta Stone, exercise, and helping around the house. The doctors all say that structure is important when you’re depressed. I think now I have just the right amount.

And once I recover, what’s next?

You know, it’s hard to say. But I’m feeling good today.