A Totally Serious Guide to Computer Abbreviations

  • a/s/l – This is how someone asks for your area code / superpower / favorite Lego set. A typical answer would be “937 / invisibility / Taj Mahal.”
  • backup – Allegedly a way to protect your files. Don’t fall for this scam. Two locations for data means twice the vulnerability to hackers.
  • blog – A juvenile balrog.
  • broadband – An outdated, sexist term for a woman’s connection to the Internet. The modern, gender-sensitive term is “damewire,” and the male equivalent is “phallifax.”
  • byte – An alternate spelling of “bidet.”
  • DB – Dorito Burrito.
  • DNS – Do Not Suscitate.
  • Error 404 – Page not working. Page needs encouragement. To load page, refresh 404 times.
  • flash drive – A hell of a lot more effective than a bake sale, I can tell you that.
  • forum – A small organ between the duodenum and the jejunum. It performs little digestion and primarily serves to pass along waste.
  • homepage – An online real estate listing.
  • HTML – High-Tech Masculine Libido.
  • HTTP – Hungarian Truck & Tulip Program. (Later changed to “Tubes” after it was discovered that the Internet is not a big truck.)
  • I/O – Iago/Othello slash fic.
  • IP address – The locations of the Italian Palaces, that is, the castles in Super Mario Bros. “Our princess is in another castle!”
  • Linux – The Borg-assimilated version of Linus van Pelt, originally planned for the Charlie Brown Christmas / Star Trek: First Contact crossover special. Eventually scrapped, mostly because somebody ratted us out to Charles Schulz. Bastard.
  • LOL – Land O’ Lakes butter. The traditional reply is GFY, “Good Food – Yum!”
  • malware – A common misspelling of “mallware,” so called for all the great deals you can get.
  • Microsoft – The third-worst male nickname of all time, just behind “Nanolimp” and “Picoflaccid.”
  • online – What words become if you underline them.
  • PDF – Partially Digitized Ferret.
  • pr0n – Priests, Rabbis, Zero Nuns.
  • RAM – Ritalin and Mescaline. (Sometimes measured in GB, or grams/bushel.)
  • social media – The correct plural of “social medium,” a gregarious clairvoyant.
  • SQL – Squash, Quidditch & Lacrosse. Pronounced “squall.”
  • wiki – What the Witch of the West is.

6 responses to “A Totally Serious Guide to Computer Abbreviations

  1. Thank you very much for helping to clear up all that mumbo-jumbo. Can you help me understand what MBPS means?

  2. hahaha good stuff. whats WWW maaaaan????? I still don’t get why the pirate bay gets such a bad rep, it sounds like a great theme resort!

  3. This seems completely accurate. Thank you for clearing up all of these strange internet terms that I have never before understood properly!

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