- a/s/l – This is how someone asks for your area code / superpower / favorite Lego set. A typical answer would be “937 / invisibility / Taj Mahal.”
- backup – Allegedly a way to protect your files. Don’t fall for this scam. Two locations for data means twice the vulnerability to hackers.
- blog – A juvenile balrog.
- broadband – An outdated, sexist term for a woman’s connection to the Internet. The modern, gender-sensitive term is “damewire,” and the male equivalent is “phallifax.”
- byte – An alternate spelling of “bidet.”
- DB – Dorito Burrito.
- DNS – Do Not Suscitate.
- Error 404 – Page not working. Page needs encouragement. To load page, refresh 404 times.
- flash drive – A hell of a lot more effective than a bake sale, I can tell you that.
- forum – A small organ between the duodenum and the jejunum. It performs little digestion and primarily serves to pass along waste.
- homepage – An online real estate listing.
- HTML – High-Tech Masculine Libido.
- HTTP – Hungarian Truck & Tulip Program. (Later changed to “Tubes” after it was discovered that the Internet is not a big truck.)
- I/O – Iago/Othello slash fic.
- IP address – The locations of the Italian Palaces, that is, the castles in Super Mario Bros. “Our princess is in another castle!”
- Linux – The Borg-assimilated version of Linus van Pelt, originally planned for the Charlie Brown Christmas / Star Trek: First Contact crossover special. Eventually scrapped, mostly because somebody ratted us out to Charles Schulz. Bastard.
- LOL – Land O’ Lakes butter. The traditional reply is GFY, “Good Food – Yum!”
- malware – A common misspelling of “mallware,” so called for all the great deals you can get.
- Microsoft – The third-worst male nickname of all time, just behind “Nanolimp” and “Picoflaccid.”
- online – What words become if you underline them.
- PDF – Partially Digitized Ferret.
- pr0n – Priests, Rabbis, Zero Nuns.
- RAM – Ritalin and Mescaline. (Sometimes measured in GB, or grams/bushel.)
- social media – The correct plural of “social medium,” a gregarious clairvoyant.
- SQL – Squash, Quidditch & Lacrosse. Pronounced “squall.”
- wiki – What the Witch of the West is.
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