Category Archives: Uncategorized

You Might Be An Author

With apologies to Mr. Foxworthy:

If you’ve ever accused a dictionary of lying to you…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever name-dropped Michael Chabon at a cocktail party…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever denied someone a second date because they said “ATM machine” during the first…you might be an author.

If you twitched at “they” in the previous sentence…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever informed a bill collector that “Money always flows toward the author”…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever revised a text message for clarity…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever used word count as a measurement of time (i.e. “I’ll be ready for dinner in another hundred words”)…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever demanded a mulligan on the Battle of Hastings…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever mailed a box of Godivas to an acquisitions editor…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever referred to health insurance as “speculative fiction”…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever filled out a restaurant comment card in iambic pentameter…you might be an author.

If any part of your body has been signed by Neil Gaiman…you might be an author.

If passive voice bothered you in the previous sentence…you might be an author.

If you believe the line “O death, where is thy sting?” contains an apostrophe…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever read a Dean Koontz novel for research purposes…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever written a letter that began “Dear CMOS,”…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever gone to Bingo Night expecting to play Scrabble…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever referred to an exclamation point as “gratuitous”…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever cited “quantity of books” as a reason not to move to a new house…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever accused your spouse’s grocery list of employing an unreliable narrator…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever informed a Trekkie that Chekhov’s gun is not a phaser…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever done something just so you could put it in your autobiography…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever referred to your children as “sequels”…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever sent a query letter to the Central Intelligence Agency…you might be an author.

If the word “steampunk” appears anywhere in your resume…you might be an author.

If “writer’s block” is something you throw at people who say “fiction novel”…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever accused your spouse of promoting descriptivist grammar…you might be an author.

If you find yourself reading books with shorter titles because they’re easier to tweet about…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever referred to a Jane Austen novel as “mainstream”…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever deducted Bailey’s and coffee on a tax form…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever had to clarify the phrase “murder your darlings” to an officer of the law…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever misspelled something longhand and reached for Ctrl+Z…you might be an author.

If you’ve ever reread a book you hated to see if it was the translator’s fault…you might be an author.

If you’re happily married and still have a fear of rejection…you might be an author.

If you think New York is exciting “because that’s where the agents are”…you might be an author.

If you have any idea what the hell I’m rambling on about…you might be an author.

Got more? Add ’em in the comments!

Flash Fiction: “System.Log”

“Not this again!” you cry. “Every time Buckley gets inspired with some new story, he feels compelled to post it here, and I feel compelled to read it, and uuuUUGGGHHHhh another ten minutes of my life wasted!”

First of all, hypothetical reader: wasted? Really? That’s harsh, man. Harsh.

Second, you don’t have to read it. I mean, sure, if nobody reads it, I’ll whimper myself to sleep, curled up next to the comforting warmth of the hot water heater in the basement, my only true friend in the world. But don’t feel obligated, is what I’m saying.

And finally: this story won’t waste ten minutes of your life, because it’s super short. It’ll only waste, like, one minute of your life.

Chuck Wendig’s challenge this week is to write a story about revenge – but in a mere 100 words, instead of 1,000. Heck, I’m over 100 words already in this introduction, that’s how short 100 words is. That said, I should probably get to it.

Here’s the story:

System.Log

PC.Print(“Listen, Chelsea, I’m totally over the divorce. And the cheating.”);

Espresso.Brew();

PC.Print(“I’m thrilled you get to keep the G12 GadgeTech Programmable House I spent three years building for you.”);

TV.Play(“Richard_Simmons_Disco_Sweat.wmv”);

PC.Print(“I know you love your espresso maker, your ferret Aristophanes, and your $28K collection of Lawrence Welk dinner plates.”);

Plate_Collection.Open();

PC.Print(“So why separate the things you love?”);

Ferret_Cage.Dispense(Espresso);

PC.Print(“P.S. ‘IHATEJUSTIN’ works as a Facebook status. As a network password, not so much.”);

Ferret_Cage.Open();

A Poem for Labor Day

I’m taking the day off, as I hope most of you are, too. And if you happen to have stopped by my corner of the Internet (as I can only surmise you have), here’s a poem to tide you over till tomorrow:

Lines Composed in a Wood on a Windy Day
Anne Brontë

My soul is awakened, my spirit is soaring
And carried aloft on the wings of the breeze;
For above and around me the wild wind is roaring,
Arousing to rapture the earth and the seas.

The long withered grass in the sunshine is glancing,
The bare trees are tossing their branches on high;
The dead leaves beneath them are merrily dancing,
The white clouds are scudding across the blue sky.

I wish I could see how the ocean is lashing
The foam of its billows to whirlwinds of spray;
I wish I could see how its proud waves are dashing,
And hear the wild roar of their thunder to-day!

Friday Links

A light week for links, hypothetical reader, but the few we’ve got are quality!

Writing Links

From Publisher’s Weekly comes the search for the world’s most literary graveyard. Seems they dug up (ha!) a cemetery with Louisa May Alcott, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Henry David Thoreau, Nathanial Hawthorne, and a few other notable names, all in the same place. Best part, though? Even the name is literary: Sleepy Hollow!

Next up is a fantastic article that puts you inside the mind of a literary magazine editor, helping you understand what they want and what gets rejected. Highly recommended. (Found via Kristan Hoffman.)

Non-Writing Links

Ken Jennings, the guy who’s crazy good at Jeopardy, is also crazy good at – er – another sort of endeavor. Look, just click this link, okay? I can almost guarantee you’ll regret it.

And finally, remember earlier this week when I suggested 28 words to use instead of “awesome”? Well, Natalia Sylvester commented with a hilarious (and very relevant) video, and I have to share. I think you’ll enjoy it, it’s pretty aweso – er, outstanding.

For those in the States, have a wonderful three-day weekend. Everyone else, if you sneak a little happiness into your job on Monday, I won’t tell anyone. See you later!

Do You Actually ENJOY Writing?

Someone asked me this question recently, and it’s stuck in my brain. The answer isn’t obvious.

There’s no question I love writing. It gives me purpose. When I write – a novel, a story, a poem, a blog post – I get that feeling of yes, this is what I’m supposed to do with my life. It’s that overriding passion that gets me through the hard parts.

Because, as we well know, there are a lot of hard parts. If there’s one thing writers love to do (myself included), it’s whine about how hard it is. It’s hard to take a great idea, throw it at the page, and discover after two or three false starts that it’s not a great idea after all. It’s even harder to throw a great idea at the page and discover that you haven’t (or can’t) do it justice. It’s harder yet to spend months of revision wondering whether it’s “haven’t” or “can’t.” And when you finally finish, the choice between traditional and self-publishing sometimes feels like the choice between rejection and indifference.

Yes, I know, writing is the easiest thing in the world: you sit in a chair and type words. Doesn’t make it any less hard. I’ve talked about this easy/hard duality before.

I like having succeeded, of course. When you finish something that people really enjoy, when you know in your heart you’ve created something beautiful, of course it’s fun to look back at the gauntlet you ran and say “Yeah, I got through all that.”

But you can’t live in the end state, and I wouldn’t if I could. You live in the process.

Do I actually enjoy writing? Like, while I’m doing it?

The answer is yes, but it’s hard to explain.

Certainly I don’t like it all the time. Every step of the process (first draft, revision, submission) is by turns dull, frustrating, and disappointing. I guess I’ve said that already.

But beneath all that, the driving, underlying love sort of…bubbles up through, into “like.”

I like the idea phase, when everything is possible and everything is new. I like the happy surprises, when you lay down a sentence or a scene and think “Huh, that actually turned out pretty good.” I like watching my story take shape in the fires of revision. I even like the excitement of sending out query letters, when the big dark voice of “This will probably get rejected” can’t drown out the bright little voice of “But maybe it won’t.”

All those things, and more, I like.

And the rest? That’s what the love is for.

You tell me – do you actually enjoy writing?

Supercharge Your Stories

Remember how it felt to get a Fire Flower in Super Mario Bros.? In half a second you transformed from a simple plumber into some mad flame god, spewing your wrath to every Goomba in sight.

What if your writing could get the same kind of power-up?

Well, you just bopped the lucky question mark box, ’cause I’ve got your special overalls right here. This power-up is two simple words:

Be specific.

This has helped me so much in my own struggles as a writer, and it’s pretty easy to follow. Nothing fancy. Just be specific.

When you’re talking about the spaceship that carried your band of swaggering good-for-nothings to their base on Izzdrathil, don’t just call it a “spaceship.” What kind of spaceship was it? A corvette? A corsair? A cruiser? (Possibly something that doesn’t begin with C? Sheesh.) Whatever – pick something and run with it. And bam, suddenly your scene is that much more real, that much more alive.

You can do this in almost every single paragraph.

I used to be very generic and boring with the details in my stories. Mainly it was laziness. I just didn’t take the mental energy to think up all those little bits and pieces (and I didn’t think it mattered). Now I know better. I still fight this tendency, but I’ve come a long way from where I used to be.

One key turning point was William Gibson’s Neuromancer. After finishing the novel, I read an interview where he refers to its “imaginative hyper-specificity.” Gibson’s a master of this, and when I read that phrase, it really clicked. Neuromancer felt confusing at times, but one thing it never felt was fake.

Of course, like anything, it’s possible to overdo it with specifics. “Corsair” may be better than “spaceship,” but I don’t necessarily need to know it’s a Delta Model G6 Superluminal Falcon With Retractable Sunroof. Nor does “being specific” mean “inventing a paragraph of extra description just because you can.” It’s still important to be frugal with your words.

And, just as Mario has Buzzy Beetles to contend with, you too may find certain situations where the Specificity Fire Flower just doesn’t apply. Maybe you’re trying for a certain style, and  generic words just work best.

As always, do what fits the story.

Before I duck out, here’s some good news. I’m very excited to announce that Agent Courtney picked my story, “Marva,” as the first-place winner in her contest! The prize is a query critique, and you’d better believe I’ll make full use of that. Mad props to Courtney for being excellent enough to host the contest in the first place. And if you haven’t read the story yet, why not check it out now?

28 Words to Use Instead of “Awesome”

It’s official: “awesome” is dead.

It’s our fault. We killed it. We took a word that literally meant “awe-inspiring” – a word used to describe Mount Everest and the Andromeda Galaxy and God Almighty – and applied it to a YouTube video of a kid failing to swing a stick.

Don’t get me wrong. Words change meaning over time, I’m all for evolution. But “awesome,” in its current state, has the impact of limp ramen on Kevlar. When someone tells me something is awesome, my brain files that something into the category of things that exist, because that’s all they’ve told me about it.

I know – I’m as guilty as anyone else. But as I carried the disease, so shall I deliver the cure.

Let’s give “awesome” a break. As writers (or merely as excellent dudes and ladies) let’s do our duty to the English language. The next time you feel like using “awesome” for something really good, give another word a chance instead.

28 Words to Use Instead of “Awesome”

1. Outstanding
2. Astounding
3. Staggering
4. Kryptonian*
5. Breathtaking
6. Stunning
7. Prodigious
8. Stupendous
9. Righteous
10. Wicked
11. Superb
12. Sublime
13. Indomitable
14. Transcendent
15. Marvelous
16. Resplendent
17. Phenomenal
18. Remarkable
19. Funkadelic*
20. Magnificent
21. Virtuosic
22. Rapturous
23. Flawless
24. Majestic
25. Splendiferous
26. Badass
27. Kickass
28. Legendary

*Some people may try to tell you this is not a real word. Ignore them.

Now, a caveat. Remember when your fifth-grade English teacher passed out those handouts of words to use instead of “said,” and suddenly every story had people “exclaiming” and “expounding” and (scary but true) “ejaculating”?

Same deal here. Every word is a little different, and you can’t necessarily just drag and drop. You may have to examine the context a bit. Y’all are smart, you can do it. I have faith.

Got any other words for “awesome”? Tell me in the comments!

Bookends!

My wife is amazing. No, no, that’s not just some blind assertion. I can prove it. Like, with science.

Here’s the evidence: check out what she got me for my birthday last week. (Click to enlarge.) Hola, Señor Dragón!

Dragon 1

What’s this? You brought a friend?

Dragon 2

I reckon the one on top, guarding my dystopias, is Smaug, and that’s Glaurung underneath. Bit of a family resemblance, wouldn’t you say?

But wait, there’s more:

Dog 1

Dog 2

If the dragons are from Tolkien, I suppose that makes the dog Huan, eh? (Fitting, too – this is my eleventy-first blog post.) Well, maybe not. Perhaps I’ll learn his name later.

He does look like he has a bit of separation anxiety. (HA! Get it? Because he’s…right, okay. I’ll stop.)

Anyway. Wife = amazing. Hypothesis = proved. QED, bitches!

Friday Links

Ciao, amici! Let’s link it up.

Writing Links

James Patterson is the world’s highest-paid author, taking in $82 million last year. The average author makes only about $14 million per year so Mr. Patterson is doing very well for himself.

A Pixar artist writes an open letter to artists everywhere. “The important thing is to slog diligently through the quagmire of discouragement and despair.” Sure, you’ve seen this “never surrender” advice before, but have you seen it decorated with a sketch of the kid from Up?

Read four letters by four famous authors: Jack Kerouac, Kurt Vonnegut, J.R.R. Tolkien, and John Keats. Vonnegut writes about his P.O.W. experience, Tolkien shows love to a fan. All four taken from Letters of Note.

They’re coming out with a documentary about Ken Kesey, author of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Or rather, a documentary about a certain road trip in particular. I’ve never even read the book, but for some reason this movie intrigues me. Maybe I’m just a sucker for stories with LSD as a plot element?

Non-Writing Links

What’s this, you ask? Oh, nothing special. Just a woman PLAYING FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE ON AN ACCORDION.

You’re welcome.

Hope your weekend is trippy and your drugs are legal. Failing that, if you start a counterculture revolution, make it a good one. See you on Monday!

Flash Fiction: “Marva”

This week’s story is a response to one of Agent Courtney’s writing prompts: “He opened the last box, and inside he found…” Slipping it in just before the August 26 deadline. Enjoy.

Marva

“Slave!”

A Handler’s voice, booming and rough. Jovo looked up, shading his eyes from the scouring noonday sun. No – not just one Handler but two, approaching slowly from the landrunner they’d parked some distance away. He gripped the shovel tighter.

One was bad enough. Two meant trouble.

He stepped out of the shallow hole he’d been digging, laid down the shovel, and began the usual gesture: a deep bow, pressing his nose as close to his knees as he could manage, though the effort sent waves of agony down his tired back. But he’d barely begun when he paused, noticing what he had not seen before in the dusty summer haze: only one of these two men wore Handler white. The robes on the other were light blue.

A Master.

Jovo’s breath caught on the scorching air and he dropped to the ground, prostrating himself. He pressed his cheek silently to the white-baked earth, spread his callused fingers on its surface, praying he had not been too slow. The rock-hard soil burned him, dirtied his ragged beard, but he ignored all that. Life and death in this land came not from the heat, but from the hands of men like these.

A Master. What did it mean?

Jovo could see nothing but the long vertical horizon, yellow ground against yellow sky, but he heard them murmuring to each other in their outlanders’ language: those soft, melodious tones, so alien in this cracked wasteland. Then scuffles and grunts, as of something being moved. What were they moving that was so valuable they couldn’t trust a slave’s hands to the job?

Now the Master’s voice again, louder, and the Handler translating: “Stand up, slave!”

Jovo rose, taking care to keep his eyes down. His friend Marva had forgotten once; he tried not to imagine Marva’s left hand, the pock-scarred stump where the third finger had been.

“You may look up, slave, but take care not to look at the Master.”

Not knowing where the Master stood, Jovo looked up very slowly indeed.

A red blanket, stained white with dust already, lay spread over the bare earth. On the blanket sat three cubes. Beyond, at the edge of his peripheral vision, two men lurked shadowlike. The cubes were an arm’s length on each side, brilliantly gleaming blue-green metal, surfaces worked with ornate curls. Smooth oval gems shone white and gold along all the edges, and one fat jewel sat clear as water in the center of each square face.

The boxes looked identical at first, but a moment’s study revealed that was not quite true. The middle box was just a little bigger than the left one, and the right box just a little bigger than the middle.

Again the master’s voice, like music, and the harsh echo of the Handler.

“The Master is pleased with your work, slave. As a reward for your labor, the Master permits you to open these three boxes and gaze on their contents.”

Rubbish, of course. The only reward for labor was not to be killed. And what nonsense was it, anyway, to open a box and look inside but not get to keep it? What game were they playing?

Only, the men’s shadows retreated now, and he knew. They were afraid. Something dangerous was in these boxes – or at least, the Master suspected there might be.

So have a slave open them. Jovo was old, anyway, close to useless in his late forties. No great loss if something happened. That was how they thought, these men, and he had found it useful to learn exactly how they thought.

Jovo stumbled forward, squatted on the blanket in front of the leftmost, smallest box. He reached forth trembling, sun-dark fingers, but stopped short of the brilliant metal. He did not ask the question; speech was forbidden, mostly. But his wide-eyed questioning look was enough.

“Yes, start with that one,” said the Handler. “Smallest to largest – may as well do it in the order she wanted. Touch the center jewel on top.” Still he heard them backing further away. What were these boxes, to frighten them so?

And who was ‘she’?

But despite his fear, he never even considered disobeying. Nothing atop this blanket could be worse than a Handler’s wrath. Again Marva’s four fingers flashed in his mind, that awful, obscene gap.

His own fingers brushed the top center jewel of the first box, surprisingly cool under the pitiless sun. The top split into four triangular pieces as the four sides fell away. Inside sat a silver dish. A pale blue lasergram flickered to life above it, taking the form of a shimmering woman four meters tall. Jovo dared not raise his eyes too far – the Master still waited some distance away – but he could see the gown of pure light, the bare feet peeking out from the folds.

Belatedly he noticed the Summerstar ring on her big toe – a sign that even slaves recognized. This was an image of the Empress Herself, Monarch of the Hundred Thousand Lands, Keeper of the Light of Centuries. He hurled himself to the blanket once more, burying his cheek in its softness, genuflecting before these hallowed photons. Was this only a recording, or could she see him now? His skin turned cold in the pounding heat.

“Lord Feumis,” said the lasergram, a woman’s voice, not melodious like the Master’s but cool and flat as iron, proper as the sun. Yet he relaxed. Only a recording. “I greet you in the language of your servants to remind you that you are my servant. But I greet you by name. You are a servant, not a slave.

“You know I am not pleased that anyone in my Empire should indulge in slaving, by far the least palatable of your world’s numerous…blotches. Yet a wise ruler respects the customs of her lands. So I present you these gifts, that you may know I am everyone’s Empress, even yours. Take them in peace.”

Gifts from the Empress. So that was what had them so worried. Marva said the Empress was no great friend of this backwater region, and might well try to assassinate one of their leaders if she saw an advantage. But that had sounded like a friendly enough speech. He cradled his fingers and they shook a bit less.

He took no pleasure, though, from her lip service toward the Emancipation Movement. Her Imperial Majesty said a lot of things, but little had changed since she captured these lands eighteen years ago.

“The next one,” called the Handler. Jovo rose and obeyed.

This time the box opened on an oval mirror, its border gilded even more lavishly than the containers themselves. Jovo looked into this gift that was meant for the Master, studying the careworn lines of his own face, the eyes like old granite, the fear he’d hoped would be less obvious. A slave’s face, surrounded by swirls of gold.

A halo, perhaps. Or an omen.

“Slave!”

He opened the last box, and inside he found a machine.

It was a fat thing, the size of a dog but utterly alien, a convoluted mess of black tubes and black spines and dull gray metal.

“What is it?” shouted the Handler, and the tremor in that voice was unmistakable now.

Jovo reached forward, setting his fingers on the strange device –

Quick as heat lightning the metal – unfolded, opening klik-klak-krak and shooting up his hand, his arm, his entire body. In less than a second it coated him like a suit of armor. Knobby gray gauntlets snapped cold and tight around his hands, thick robotic sinews clung to his thighs. A green visor slipped over his face. He stumbled back, and the suit moved with him.

A recording of the Empress’s voice crackled in his ear.

“Oh, my,” she said, not sounding the least bit surprised, “DNA sensors indicate you aren’t Lord Feumis at all. He must have had one of his slaves open it. How very unexpected. And now, alas, there will probably be a slave rebellion. If only he had trusted me more, this politically convenient tragedy might have been avoided. As it is, you’ll most likely start all sorts of trouble with your brand-new, fully-automatic Phlogiston missile launcher, which you can fire by curling your right forefinger.”

The voice switched off.

A bolt of piercing orange light rocketed from the Handler’s painstaff into Jovo’s metal-encrusted torso. It bounced away harmlessly.

Jovo looked up and, for the first time in his life, met the Master’s gaze. Through the green visor, those unassailable eyes looked stark and fearful. The Master – the man – turned and scrambled away. Jovo followed, invincible, taking meters at a stride. More orange beams failed to hurt him.

The targeting computer drew a thin blue circle around his retreating form, and the missile launcher on Jovo’s right arm clicked invitingly.

He smiled, and thought of Marva.